


The Hobbit: An Unexpected Parody

by lindirs_gaze



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Crack, Humor, Insanity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-03-22 13:00:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 28,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3729859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lindirs_gaze/pseuds/lindirs_gaze
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo has been caught up in a crackfic in which Gandalf is a BAMF, Fili braids his hair, Ori is AWESOME, Gloin loses various body parts, Oin killed every five minutes, and Dwalin is 90% alcohol. Prepare for an adventure filled with stupidity, anachronisms, egos, rivalries, hypocrisy, majesty, and a certain party king...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shots

Chapter 1

An old hobbit named Bilbo Baggins sat down in his creaky chair and lit a cigar. “My dear Frodo. You asked me one once if I had told you everything there was to know about my adventures.”

“I never asked you that.” Frodo was seated on the floor like a fauntling even though he was pretty much of age by that point.

“SHUT UP AND LET ME TELL YOU THE PROLOGUE...my dear boy.”

-Flashback to 170ish years ago, in a land far to the east, the likes of which you will not find in the world today-

Thorin put on some sunglasses, even though it was a pretty cloudy day. “It smells like smoke.”

Balin walked up next to him. “No, that’s just the smell of foreshadowing.”

“The fuck are you talking about?”

“I don’t know, something bad might happen soon due to the fact that your granddad’s gone batshit insane and hoarded a shit ton of gold. And then he threw some ice cold shade at that elf king guy who visited last week.”

Thorin laughed. “Hell yeah he did! That was fucking hilarious!”

“KARMA BITCHES!” Smaug divebombed Dale and blew up everything.

“Oh no!” They barely had time to evacuate Erebor before Smaug blew that up too.

“Noo!” Thror cried as he dropped the Arkenstone. “Wait, I know the command code that will turn Erebor into a Jaeger—”

“No time to argue!” Thorin grabbed his grandfather and they hauled ass.

Outside of Erebor, on a tall cliff safely removed from the danger, Thranduil took a selfie with the burning buildings and refugees in the background.

-Present Day-

“And that, my dear Frodo, is where I come in.”

“Uncle, that happened almost two hundred years ago. You weren’t even alive back then.”

“Let me finish the tale...Frodo my lad,” Bilbo said through gritted teeth. “My tale began as you might expect: in a hole in the ground.”

“What other stories start like that?”

“Uh, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, The City of Ember…”

“Good point.”

“I know. Anyway…”

-Flashback to 60 Years Ago-

One day Bilbo was outside having a smoke when Gandalf walked up.

"Er... good morning," Bilbo greeted, even though there were many gray clouds in the sky.

"NO ITS NOT." Gandalf said very, very loudly. He slammed his staff on the ground which caused a shockwave of bright blue light to blast everything within a five mile radius. All of the clouds dissipated, revealing a sun that was inexplicably sporting a smiley face.

"AAGGGH!" Bilbo screamed, covering his eyes. "YOU JUST BLINDED ME!"

"How would you like to go on an adventure with some fine-ass dwarves?," Gandalf asked, completely unaware of this sudden change of events.

"Nope, no adventures, bye," Bilbo replied hastily, running toward his door... and heading face-first into a wall since he was still blind. After spending a great deal of time trying to find his doorknob, Bilbo wrenched open his door and disappeared into his house.

After Gandalf was sure the young hobbit was gone, he walked up to the door and quietly began to draw a mark on the round, green door. After drawing a smiley face in red crayon and signing his name, Gandalf left.

Later that evening, Bilbo, having recovered from his blindness, was sitting down to dinner. He was just thinking about how he was a total loner since he always ate dinner alone when the doorbell rang.

"What the fuck? I don't have a doorbell," Bilbo muttered as he walked to the door.

When he opened the door a dwarf stood there, blowing a dwarfish horn that was making doorbell noises. He stopped when he noticed Bilbo. "Dwalin, at your service," the dwarf bowed.

"Er... Bilbo Baggins at your ser—"

"Got any alcohol?" Dwalin grunted, stepping inside.

"Well, if I may first inquire, why are you here-"

"Ah, there it is!" Dwalin made a beeline for the pantry, where several barrels of ale were clearly visible.

Before Bilbo could make a move to follow the audacious dwarf, there came a knock at his door.

Upon being opened, he saw another dwarf sporting a white beard.

"Have you seen a dwarf about yea high with a weird, gay hat?" the dwarf inquired before Bilbo could even say anything.

Since Dwalin was bald, Bilbo shook his head.

"HA!" the white haired dwarf screamed into the air. "I GOT HERE FIRST YOU LITTLE BITCH! THAT'S HOW WE DO IT IN BALIN TOWN!" Balin partied into Bag End. That's right, I just used 'party' as a verb.

Next to knock on the door were two young dwarves.

"My name's Fili, yo," said the blond.

"And I'm Kili!" the other one squealed. He grabbed Bilbo and started jumping around, nearly knocking out Bilbo's teeth. "We're going to be BFF's OMG!"

"Sorry about that!" Fili dragged Kili into the dining room, where Dwalin and Balin were moving tables and pillows to make a fort.

"Don't touch that table it was from IKEA!” Bilbo screamed, but his protests were drowned out by another knock.

The disgruntled hobbit stomped over to his door. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT N—" A flood of dwarves burst through the doors and literally trampled poor Bilbo.

Last of all came Gandalf, who stooped down and peered through the door at the trampled hobbit. "All right there, my dear Bilbo?"

Bilbo shakily stuck up his middle finger.

"Quite all right, I see."

Gandalf looked around the foyer at the collection of dwarves, all of whom were holding some form of alcohol. He raised his staff, which knocked down the chandelier. The chandelier fell onto Oin. He wasn't moving.

They all stared at Oin. "Ah, well then," Gandalf started. He picked up Bilbo, who had also been partially crushed by the chandelier. "Let me introduce you to the members of our party."

Bilbo regained use of his voice. "Wait, party? But I didn't invite—"

"Fili and Kili," Gandalf introduced. They nodded at Bilbo.

"Dori, Nori, and Ori." Dori, Nori and Ori waved.

"Oin and Gloin," Gloin tried to wave extra wide but his glove flew off and hit Oin, who still wasn't moving, in the face.

"Dwalin and Balin."

"Hi there," Dwalin greeted, drinking.

Balin grunted.

"Bifur, Bofur—"

"Why the fuck do their names all rhyme?" Bilbo questioned.

"How dare you interrupt the speech of Gandalf the Gray!" Bifur roared, swinging his hammer. It imbedded itself in the wall, spraying wood splinters over everybody, but mainly Oin, who was still under the chandelier.

"Well, that was unnecessary but entertaining," Gandalf commented. "But, continuing: Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur."

Bifur growled and pulled his axe from the wall. Bilbo cowered. Bofur shook Bilbo's hand.

"Hi," Bombur greeted, eating.

"Okay, so now that we're all acquainted, let's get this party started!" Gandalf shouted. All the dwarves rushed to the pantry and started singing.

When i walk in the club

All eyes on me

I'm with the party rock crew

All drinks are free

"NOW LEMME HEAR YA SING!" Gandalf screamed, passing around shots.

"Shots!"

"Shots!"

"Shots!"

"Shots!"

"EVERYBODY!" Gandalf shouted, passing around more drinks and pushing Bilbo away by his face when the hobbit tried to stop him.

"That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!" Gloin sang. The house became silent and everybody stared at Gloin. Gandalf shook his head in disappointment.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Gandalf opened the door and a regal dwarf turned around dramatically, wearing a pair of shutter shades. Pounding music came out of nowhere.

"Yo, bitches, let's get this party started. Thorin Oakenshield is in the house!" the dwarf exclaimed, and started crowd surfing. Thorin crowd-surfed to the middle of the foyer, did a triple flip, and landed right on Oin's face. Oin had just crawled out from under the fallen chandelier and now lay on the floor with Thorin's boot on his face.

Then Thorin’s eyes zeroed in on Bilbo. “So this is the hobbit.”

“Uh, yeah, and you’re an asshole.”

All the dwarves went, “OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!”

“GET REKT!” Dwalin smashed an entire barrel with his skull.

Thorin glared and tried to recover his masculinity...and hide his boner. “What’s your weapon of choice, Master Baggins? Axe or sword?”

“...Is that a euphemism for something?”

“What the hell would that be a euphemism for?”

Bilbo shrugged. “I have no idea.”

Thorin puffed out his chest. “That’s what I thought. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar.”

All the dwarves went, “OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!” again, drowning out Bilbo’s confused protests.

Six smashed barrels of ale later, all fifteen of Bag End’s occupants were seated around the dining room table, having a very serious discussion.

“Okay, but what if Smaug had lasers for eyes? Or what if he shot laser beams out of his mouth?”

“He can already breathe fire, dumbass.”

Bilbo waved his arms, looking like a very small confused chicken. “Guys, what are you still doing in my house?”

“QUIET.” Thorin pushed him away by the face.

Bilbo groaned. “Fine. If anyone needs me, I’ll be drinking myself into oblivion in the kitchen.”

They all watched him go. “It appears we have lost our burglar,” Balin commented. “Probably for the best. We don’t need him, or any hat-wearing maniacs,” this was accompanied by a glare in Bofur’s direction, “screwing things up.”

**Bofur lunged across the table. “YOU WANNA GO?”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to my first fic on AO3! I'm pretty new to this site and I've had a lot of troubles with it so far, so if I do anything wrong I'd appreciate it if y'all would let me know (like if my tags are wrong or something). I hope you enjoyed and feel free to leave kudos or a comment!


	2. The Hangover Part IV

Chapter 2

-The Next Morning-

Bilbo heard a knock on his door. "SHUT UP I HAVE A HANGOVER," he screamed, holding his head which, for some reason, had several cucumbers taped to it.

The dwarves came in anyway.

Fili patted Bilbo on the head. "Aw, has the little hobbit got a hangover?"

Bilbo swatted his hand away. "Shut up or I kill you."

Fili gave another sympathetic pat. "Don't worry, Bilbo. We all had hangovers too, but we got rid of them with special dwarf pills. Have one." He offered them to the hobbit. Bilbo grabbed them and read the label. "Will alleviate the effects of a hangover... CONTAINS TROLL FECES?! YOU GUYS! SERIOUSLY?"

Actually, the dwarves had no idea about that last part and they all started vomiting onto Bilbo's nice hobbit floor. Bilbo passed out again. Gandalf laughed at them all. He hadn't taken the pills because he was a frickin' wizard, so screw hangovers.

Gandalf helped the dwarves onto their ponies and then tied Bilbo to a hobbit-sized pony, and they were off.

Bilbo woke up and blinked. "Why am I tied to a horse's ass?"

The dwarves were throwing pouches of coins to each other. Gandalf was picking his nose. Carmichael was dancing.

Bilbo tried to adjust himself off of the horse's butt. "Gandalf, what's going on? Where am I? What are the dwarves doing? WHY DOES MY HEAD HURT SO MUCH?"

Gandalf calmly smoked his pipe. "Just because I'm lazy, I'm only going to answer question number three. And the answer to that is: they're throwing coins at each other."

Bilbo sighed, exasperated. "I know that. Why are they throwing coins at each other?"

"THIS IS WAR!" Nori screamed, vaulting a spray of coins at the rest of the dwarves. The coins mostly hit Oin in the face, who fell off his horse and down the mountainside. Bilbo stared in horror.

"Meh," Gandalf shrugged. "I'll send those eagle guys to retrieve him. Eventually."

The dwarves started throwing coins again. Gloin got way too excited and started rapid-firing them by the handful. One hit Bifur in the back of the head. The dwarf roared and swung his axe wildly until it flew out of his hands and down the mountainside. They heard Oin scream in pain.

-Sometime Later During the Night-

Bilbo was enjoying some peace and quiet, feeding an apple to his pony Myrtle, when a giant explosion sounded in the distance, followed by screaming and cheerful elevator music. The hobbit slowly turned around. “What...the hell...was that?”

“Orcs, gurl!” Kili responded cheerfully.

No sooner had Kili said ‘orcs’ than Thorin leapt to his feet from where he’d been sleeping, waving his sword wildly and yelling “RAAAHHHHHHH!” for a good five minutes. Then the dwarf king laid back down and fell asleep. Everyone shrugged.

Bilbo stared. “Is anyone else going to acknowledge that?”

Balin stood up. “You’d better get used to it, laddie. He does that all the time.”

“Why?”

The wizened dwarf looked off into the distance, his gaze growing pensieve. “It happened long ago, after the dragon Smaug took the Lonely Mountain…”

“Wait, shit, I wasn’t asking for a flashback—”

-Flashback to the Battle of Azabnnaunznannbzzanannnbnabaznbzn-

“Moria had been taken by legions of Orcs lead by the most vile of all their race: Azog, the Defiler. The giant Gundabad Orc had sworn to wipe out the line of Durin. He began by beheading the King,” Balin narrated.

Thror looked around, searching for the wise, echoing voice. “Who said that?”

Azog took this opportunity to cut the dwarf’s head off.

“Ow! That wasn’t very nice!” Thor said, dying.

“Noooo! You bitch!” Thorin cried, charging with the intent to kill. Except at that point he was like Level 2, and Azog was Level 50. The dwarf lost his sword and shield within seconds. “UM!??!!??!!” He picked up a random stick and hit Azog with it.

“AGGHHHHHH! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!” the Pale Orc screamed as his arm fell off.

“What, sticks?”

“No, plot devices that don’t make sense!” Azog fell to his knees in agony.

“Azog the Defiler learned that day that the line of Durin would not be so easily broken,” Balin continued narrating.

Thorin looked around. “No, seriously, where is that voice coming from?”

-End Flashback-

“What happened to the Pale Orc?” Bilbo asked. Thorin jumped up and started yelling and waving his sword again.

“Eh, he probably died.”

“Probably.”

-Later-

The Company was riding through the rain, miserable and wet.

"Hey Gandalf! Make it stop raining!" Dori called from the middle of the line.

"Oh, why didn't I think of that? I guess I'll just use my wizard powers to magically move the clouds to Mordor!" Gandalf sassed.

"Great idea!" Dori replied.

"...That was sarcasm, Dori," Nori informed his brother.

"Oh, ok. Could you maybe evaporate the clouds?"

Everybody groaned.

"Are there any?" Bilbo asked Gandalf.

"...Any what?"

"Other wizards."

"When the hell did we start talking about wizards? Stick to the topic, Bilbo!" Gandalf snapped his fingers in a z-formation manipulation inspiration signification across the wizard nation.

"I wanna hear about these other wizards! Maybe they could get off their lazy ass and actually fix this rainstorm!" Thorin shouted majestically.

"Shut your butt Thorin. There are five wizards in Middle Earth. The greatest of our order is Saruman, the White. Then there are the two Blue Wizards, who I believe were hired for a job in World of Warcraft."

"And who is the fifth?" Bilbo asked.

"I WAS GETTING TO THAT YOU ASSTRUMPET. His name is Radagast, the Brown. I think they call him that because he constantly has bird shit on his face."

"Is he a great wizard or is he...more like you?"

There was an ominous silence as Bilbo's sassy comment echoed throughout the land.

Gandalf slowly turned around, his eyes becoming huge and creepy, giving a stare that rivaled that of Lindir. "What... Did. You. Say."

"Ooh gurl, you gon' get it now!" Kili cackled. "Well I mean like you've been a pretty shit wizard so far," Bilbo explained, completely unfazed. "All you've done so far is set off fireworks and split boulders in half."

Gandalf's eyes grew ten times in size and became even more menacing. They were almost as menacing as Lindir’s gaze, which will be discovered at a later time. "I’ll fuckin end you, bitch. Ain’t nobody messes with Gandalf. You gon’ regret this, you bigfoot handkerchief-forgetting son of a bitch. Also, the Sackville-Bagginses are probably Sackville'n your Bag End right now."

Bilbo threw his arms out, lifting his face to the sky as rain poured dramatically. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Meanwhile, Radagast was jogging through the forest. It was full of dead animals and diseased plants. "Not good! Not good at all! Where am I gonna get my shrooms now?"

A shady man with in a trench coat stepped out from behind a tree. "Hey there, wanna buy a-" He was immediately run over by Radagast, who'd just discovered his favorite hedgehog lying on the ground.

"NOOOOO! SEBASTIAN!" he wailed.

"My name is Jawn you idiot," the hedgehog groaned.

Radagast frowned. "Oh, never mind." He skipped away.

Later Radagast went to go buy some more mushrooms, deciding Walmart was his best bet. He arrived on a fork in the path. On one side was a Walmart. On the other side was an abandoned evil fortress.

"Compromise is the key!" Radagast split himself into two halves, each taking a path.

Radagast's right side hopped into Dol Guldur. He didn't even notice when the ghost of the Witch King of Angmar floated out of a statue.

"Imma cut you in half!" the ghost Nazgul-screeched, trying to cut Radagast in half. This did absolutely nothing seeing as Radagast was already cut in half.

"Wow, what a nice drawing!" Radagast hopped over to some graffiti of the Eye of Sauron, causing the Witch-King to miss again as he tried to slash him.

"An infestation of orcs! Wargs ripping Sean Bean apart!" Radagast was basically narrating what he was seeing at this point as he hopped around. The Witch King missed again and again and again and again.

"I give up!" He said finally, cryin in frustration. "You are the most worthy opponent I have ever faced!" He stabbed himself in the face and dropped the sword.

Radagast absentmindedly picked it up and used it as a toothpick.

Meanwhile Radagast's left side was at Walmart, picking up girls and making millions. It was probably the most productive day he'd had, ever.

-Even Later-

After another day of traveling, the Company set up camp near an abandoned farm.

"When are we eeeeating?" Bilbo whined. "I haven't had breakfast. Or second breakfast. Or lunch or tea or dinner or supper-"

"I could, like, totally make some soup," said Kili. "I found this new recipe on FB! Like, totally, gurl!" He flipped his hand. I’m not quite sure what that particular motion entails, but he did do it.

Bilbo backed away slowly.

Thorin and Gandalf were arguing.

"I refuse to camp here!" Thorin roared. "It's too cramped and I can't stand the smell of these dwarves!"

"How dare you challenge my authority!" Gandalf shot back. "I'm the one who got this goddamn expedition off its ass in the first place! And have you smelled yourself? I'm surprised I haven't gotten sick yet; I've been standing near you for thirty seconds! Wait, you are a dwarf! How dare you insult the others, ya hypocritical idiot."

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH" hooted all of the dwarves except for Thorin and Oin, the latter still not have been sighted since the coin incident.

"Well, well..." Thorin spluttered. "You're... gray!"

At this, all of the dwarves went wild, cheering and howling and chest-bumping.

"Um, guys, we should probably—" Nori started, but Bombur landed on him and the poor dwarf was heard no more.

"Fine!" Gandalf snapped. "Be that way! But I bet you guys will be nicer when I save you from trolls or something!" He stomped away.

While the dwarves were pulling out party poppers and doing... things with them, Bilbo took two bowls of soup and snuck off into the woods. He was hungry, after all.

Before he could eat his soup, Fili and Kili swooped down on the star from Kirby: Epic Yarn and stole the soup.

"Two of the ponies went missing," Fili informed him.

"Sunshine Sticks and Sha'Nay Nay are gone!" Kili wailed.

"And why do I care?" asked Bilbo.

"You're going to help us find him!" Fili and Kili cried in unison. "You are our burglar, after all!"

"What the fuck did I just get myself into..." Bilbo began as Kili and Fili linked arms with him and skipped off into the deep woods.

Soon they could see a campfire in a clearing.

"Well, gurl, this is where we leave you!" Kili flipped his hair. "Dwarf magic, activate!" Kili and Fili vanished, leaving a trail of sparkles and the smell of pink frosted sprinkle donuts.

Bilbo just decided to accept this atrocity and crept to the clearing. He saw three troll things that were cooking soup. He also saw the two horses, who were in a rope pen, looking bored.

"Ay, mate! Let's cook the horses!" said one troll.

"Yummy!" said another, this one with an Australian accent.

"The cake is a lie!" said a third.

"Let's see, I need to free the horses by cutting the ropes that are holding them. I need something sharp and cutting edge to sever the ropes. Something like... Internet Explorer!" Bilbo laughed at his own joke for several minutes.

"Did you guys hear something?" one of the trolls asked. His name was Billy Bob Dingaling Dong Fortitude Solitude Duckface Wallaby.

Just then another troll farted and they all laughed hysterically, slapping their knees and scaring all of the squirrels in the area.

Now's my chance! Bilbo thought, and went to retrieve a knife that was hanging from one of the troll's belt.

Unfortunately the aforementioned troll felt a sneeze coming on and grabbed his snot rag—er, Bilbo and gave a big, sticky sneeze.

"Agh!" the troll yelled, somehow still sounding Australian. "Look what's coming out of me honker! It has arms and legs and everything!"

"OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" Bilbo squealed, surveying his snot-covered coat. "THIS THING COST ME LIKE THIRTY TWO SEVENTY FIVE, PLUS TAX! Batteries not included," he added quietly. "But still!" Bilbo pulled the little brush thing from Scrubbing Bubbles out of his coat pocket and threw it at one of the troll's face.

Said troll screamed. "MY FACE!" It clutched its toe for some reason. "I FEEL SO CLEAN! BRBLQUCRGGASDFGHJKL!" The troll dissolved into bubbles and cleaning foam.

"Oh gurl! You ain't touchin' no burglar!" Kili was back.

The troll holding Bilbo tossed him away in fear of another Scrubbing Bubbles mascot. Bilbo landed right on top of Kili.

"Sorry, Kili!"

"...You smell nice."

"Agh!" Bilbo scrambled off of Kili.

The rest of the dwarves burst out of their hiding places, challenging the trolls to an epic battle of epic epicositic epicness.

"You dare challenge the great Ori?" Ori screamed epicly. "Imma show ALL you bitches how it's done!" He whipped out his slingshot, aimed, and threw the slingshot at one of the trolls. It hit the troll's shoulder, which happened to be his 'spaz spot'. It was called that because it, well, made him spaz out. The troll began doing the Harlem Shake before passing out. The good news is that this action left the troll incapitated. The bad news is that Ori's ego became so inflated it made him gain like three hundred pounds.

"I AM ORI, YO!" he screamed in epic victory, blasting away all of the Weight Watchers advocates that were rushing to his rescue.

Meanwhile, Bilbo was trying to free the ponies but the remaining trolls grabbed him.

"Drop yer arms," one of the trolls commanded. "Or we'll rip his off!"

Everybody complied, dropping their weapons. Gloin, always eager to please, took his actual arms off and laid them down with his...face.

"Hur hur hur..." one of the trolls laughed meanly, holding up a big, fat...cliffhanger!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This site really loves screwing me over...apparently. Somehow I published this fic twice, and then accidentally deleted the one with more hits. Yay!


	3. Balin's Face

Chapter 3

Soon all the dwarves were tied up in sacks or bound to the giant spit over the fire.

"GET YOUR FOOT OUT OF MY FACE!" Balin screamed at Bofur.

"GET YOUR FACE OUT OF MY FOOT!" Bofur screamed even louder.

"Guess what, when we get outta this I'll show you what my face can do!" Balin retorted. Everybody fell silent. Ain't nobody messes with Balin's face.

Ain't nobody.

"Let's speed this thing up, girls!" One of the trolls commanded. "It's almost near dawn and I don't fancy being turned to stone. It's bad for my complexion," the troll tossed his nonexistent hair and everybody admired his skin.

"Wait! You're making a terrible mistake!" Bilbo cried.

"You can't reason with them, they're half-wits!" Dori said.

"Half-wits? What does that make us?" Bofur asked.

Dori thought about it for a minute. "Quarter-wits!"

"Uh, I meant with the, uh, with, uh, with the seasoning," Bilbo answered. "Uh," he added.

"What about the seasoning?" the troll asked, applying Proactiv to his face.

"You're going to want to stay away from the salt, because it's bad for your skin," Bilbo explained.

The troll screamed and threw the salt away.

"I've come to rescue you guys!" said Oin, happily skipping into the clearing. The salt hit him in the eye.

"YOOUUUU," yelled Gandalf in his "Soulja Boy' voice. "SHALL NOT PASS!" He smacked his staff onto a rock, splitting it open and revealing the sunlight.

The trolls squealed and turned to stone, complaining about their skin the whole time.

"That's right, bitches! Nobody passes up Gandalf!" Gandalf jumped into the clearing, throwing confetti into the air.

"Nobody cares! Just untie us!" Nori yelled, getting confetti in his face for that.

-After Everybody was Untied-

Bombur ate one of the trolls because he was hungry, and finally surpassed Ori in weight.

"Where did you go to, if I may ask?" Thorin asked Gandalf.

"Simon says you may ask."

"What?"

"I went to the dollar store."

"Why would you go to the dollar store?"

"TO BUY CONFETTI, YO!" Gandalf threw more confetti into the air.

"Wizards and their obsession with shiny things," Thorin muttered nastily. Nasty, nasty Thorinses.

"Guys I found a cave!" Nori called.

"Oh, boy, food!" Bombur yelled, spitting out the second troll (which landed on Oin) and rolled down the hill, knocking down several dwarves on his way down.

"Spare!" Bilbo said.

The cave was stinky and full of empty Proactiv boxes. Gandalf found a lot of shiny swords, and Dori, Nori, and Dwalin found some gold.

"Where will we put the gold?" Balin wondered.

"WE BURY IT IN THE PITS OF HELL." Bifur yelled, stabbing the gold into the ground until he had dug a fifty foot deep trench. By that time the dwarves had already arrived at Rivendell, but back to the present.

The dwarves exited the cave. Gandalf tossed a sword to Bilbo, not even looking to see if he caught it because he was too cool for school.

Radagast rode into the clearing on his rabbit sled.

"Thieves! Fire! Murder! Pizza!" he shouted.

"Yo Radagast! Ma home slice!" Gandalf fistbumped Radagast in the face because the brown wizard was too busy knitting a pair of edible socks.

"Something is terribly wrong!" Radagast exclaimed.

"You're right!" Bombur roared, eating Radagast's socks. "These taste like shit!"

"No! I mean, um, what was it..." Radagast was deep in thought. "God dammit, it was right on the tip of my tongue..."

"That's a stick bug," Gandalf pulled the bug off of Radagast's tongue. It flew away, traumatized, and soon joined a traveling bug circus. He went on to help an ant reclaim his home from an evil grasshopper. His tale is documented in, you guessed it, Monsters Inc.

"So anyway, I met an evil necromancer and that's a nice hat," Radagast pointed at Bofur's hat.

Gandalf bitch slapped the other wizard until his nose was having a cup of coffee with his left ear. "PAY ATTENTION."

"I found a really nice sword though!" said Radagast. "I think I left my dish washer running."

A Warg burst through the trees and attacked Dori.

"Don't worry friends! I got this!" Dori cried. He drew his battle axe and took a swing at the Warg's head, which completely missed and hit Oin, even though the latter was ten yards away. The Warg died of colon cancer.

"Did you guys see that? I am amazing." Dori proclaimed, hefting his battle axe.

"I will lead the Orcs away!" Radagast jumped on his sled and rode away.

"Wait, what the fuck just happened? What did I miss?" Gandalf asked, looking up from his Facebook page.

"We have to run away from the Orcs!" Nori explained.

They ran into the open field instead of continuing in the cover of the forest. Radagast suddenly remembered his dishwasher and turned around, leading the Orcs straight towards the dwarves. They panicked and hid behind Bombur and Ori.

"Wait, my home is that way!" he turned around again. The dwarves sighed in relief and kept running.

"No wait, I think I left my socks back there!" he turned around again. The dwarves hid.

"Hey, aren't they doing a rerun of Back to the Future today?" Turning around.

"Where did Gandalf get that confetti?" He turned around. The dwarves hid.

"Screw this!" Gandalf jumped down a hole and led the dwarves to Rivendell.

"What the hell man? I said I didn't want to go to Rivendell!" Thorin whined.

"You didn't say that!" Gandalf argued.

"I bet they have alcohol," Dwalin growled, dragging the dwarf king by his hair.

"Dwarves and their alcoholism," Thorin growled hypocritically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is annoyingly short, but the last one was very long, so fight me. Also, I think I'm finally getting the hang of this site!


	4. Lindir's Gaze

Chapter 4

Once the dwarves had made their way down to Rivendell, an elf greeted them.

"Welcome to Rivendell." The elf stared at them with humungous eyes. "My name is Lindir."

"NOBODY CARES!" Bofur screamed from the back of the group.

"YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN!" Balin added, trying to outdo Bofur as usual.

Lindir stared at them, his expression unchanging. "I am a man."

Everybody gasped.

A bunch of horses galloped into Rivendell and started riding around the dwarves, setting off party poppers and drinking beer.

"Do you see this, peasants?" Thorin cried, standing on Oin's face again. "They are paying homage to my kingliness. MAJESTY SHALL BE MINE!" A dramatic wind blew through the valley. Thorin's hair caught on fire.

Elrond dismounted from his horse. "Lindir, stop being a creep. Go to your room."

Lindir slowly turned away, his eyes never leaving the dwarves. Literally. His eyes shifted to the back of his head so he could keep an eye on the dwarves as he walked away.

"Mithrandir, wassup!" Elrond fistbumped with Gandalf. "What brings ya to my realm? Galadriel is still married by the way."

Gandalf's face turned as red as a skateboard. "Me and these lame-ass dwarves—"

"And me!" Bilbo squeaked from under Bombur.

"SHUT UP BILBO! We're just passing through," Gandalf finished, his anger making the Goblin King scratch his ass.

Lindir bumped into a wall.

"We have much to discuss," Elrond said randomly.

For dinner they had leaves, vegetables, and water.

"Do you have anything stronger to drink?" Dwalin complained, but stopped when he saw a huge pair of eyes watching him. He'd gotten used to Lindir by now but he was bothered simply by the fact that the gaze was coming from Gandalf's hat.

"I DON'T LIKE NO GREEN FOOD YO!" Ori screamed angrily. "THE GREAT ORI MUST BE SERVED SOMETHING BETTER BEFORE I SKIN YOU AND KNIT YOUR INTESTINES INTO A SWEATER!"

On the other side of the table, Elrond was naming swords.

"This one is called Glamdring, or Goblin Slayer," Elrond explained, examining Gandalf's sword.

"Glamdring sounds nothing like Goblin Slayer!" Gandalf protested. "I think Glamdring is short for glamorous." The wizard wisely flipped his hair.

"That doesn't even...I was t..." Elrond stammered.

Thorin shoved his sword into the elf's face. "What about this one?"

"This is Orcrist."

"What? I don't' want my sword named after an orc's wrist!" Thorin yelled. "Let's call it—"

"You know what? Obviously nobody likes my sword names! The cow's gonna fly over the moon TONIGHT!" Elrond angrily flipped over the entire table. All of the vegetables and stuff flew into the air, but before anything could hit the ground Bombur inhaled it all.

"Give the map to Elrond, Thorin," Gandalf commanded.

"No!" Thorin snarled, clutching the map.

"Why am I here?" Bilbo asked.

While Thorin was distracted by Lindir's stare (who was hiding in Bilbo's feet hair) Elrond grabbed the map and skipped onto the balcony, giggling hysterically.

"These are moon runes," Elrond explained while Gandalf held Thorin back by his hair. "They say that there's an extra door right here." He pointed to a spot on the map.

"Is that a cow?" Bilbo asked, pointing to an animal that soared over the moon with majesty that rivaled Thorin's.

Elrond cackled.

-Amon Sul-

A group of orcs slunk across the abandoned citadel, heads hung low in shame.

“The Dwarves, Master... we lost them,” the one in the front admitted. “Ambushed by Elvish filth, we were—”

“STOP TALKING LIKE YODA!” Azog yelled. “And I don’t want any more excuses. I want the dwarf king’s head!”

Several of the orcs threw out pages from the scripts they were carrying. One of them held out a badly-assembled replica of Thorin’s head made from eyebrow hair and spaghetti. Azog snatched up the replica and...ate it.

“Thanks!”

The orc brightened. “You’re welcome, Master!” he exclaimed. Or at least, that was what he was going to do before Azog stabbed him in the throat with his prosthetic arm he’d won from a claw machine. Meaning he broke the claw machine and took the actual claw. Anyway, the orc ended up dying.

All the others pissed themselves. Azog cackled.

-Rivendell-

Meanwhile, the dwarves were feasting on meat that they'd found.

"Hey Bombur!" Bofur yelled, throwing a sausage at his brother, who sat atop a table.

What happened next was so unexpected the Goblin King had to scratch his ass a second time.

Bombur caught the sausage but the weight made the table collapse. Bombur's impact with the ground made a fifty foot deep crater. The dwarf drilled through the earth, passing dinosaurs, precious metals, the Tardis, and Bifur, who was still digging.

Meanwhile meanwhile, Gandalf and Elrond walked into a pavilion. They saw Galadriel.

"Hi Galadriel," said Gandalf.

"I'm still married," said Galadriel.

The Goblin King was about to get a serious butt rash but then Saruman walked in.

"Gandalf," he greeted whitely. Which meant he said it with...privilege. "I haven't seen you in like—" he turned away and turned back. "—five seconds!"

Elrond stared in disgust. Saruman had forgotten to straighten his beard, and it was totally clashing with his hair.

"Saruman the White," Gandalf greeted, slowly lowering his shutter shades.

Saruman set down his briefcase full of privilege and took a seat. "So tell me, Gandalf, did you think these plans and schemes of your would go unnoticed?" the white wizard asked.

"Well I'm helping the dwarves because they're fun to party with," explained Gandalf.

Saruman was about to mention that he'd been talking about Gandalf's plans to dress up as Spiderman for Halloween, but Elrond interrupted.

"But there is peace in these lands! Why disturb it just to slay a dragon?"

"Actually, Radagast said—"

"Um, excuse me but Radagast is a hobo druggy," Saruman said, scrolling through Twitter. "I mean look at this picture he tweeted! I didn't know so many mushrooms could fit in one person's mouth!"

Everybody crowded around Saruman to look, even Lindir, who was peeking from the eyes on the Starbucks emblem.

There was an awkward silence.

"Saruman..." Galadriel began. "Those are marshmallows. I think he's doing to chubby bunny challenge."

"I did that once!" Saruman exclaimed. "And then like that blue wizard walked in, who's like a total loser and then I said..."

Gandalf tuned out Saruman's voice and started mentally talking to Galadriel.

"Saruman's such a loser."

"Yeah, I know. Why don't you bring out something like, I don't know, an object of great power to distract him," suggested Galadriel.

Gandalf brought out the package that Radagast had given him. Or at least that's what he thought it was...

There on the table was a blue cube.

"The Tesseract!" Elrond screamed. He took off his face and became the Red Skull. He snatched up the Tesseract and jumped into a huge ass plane, taking off into the night.

Lindir appeared out of nowhere, staring at Galadriel, Saruman, and Gandalf all at once even though he had two eyes.

"The dwarves are gone."

Meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile, the dwarves and Bilbo were traveling towards the Misty Mountains. Gloin was making a barricade to make sure the elves didn't follow them. He'd piled Taipei 101, Chicago, his Jelly Belly collection, and Australia on top of the path.

"No time to waste Mr. Bilbo," Thorin growled even though he was like 50 feet behind every member of the company.

Nobody noticed Lindir's eyes staring from beneath Bombur's ass cheeks...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lindir and his gaze are very important to me.


	5. The Power of Bifur's Toes

Chapter 5

The Company of Thorin Oakenshield was clinging onto the cliff face as rain poured down and lightning flashed.

"IT'S SO COLD AND WET," Bilbo screamed.

"HOLD ON!" Thorin screamed, then immediately after that waved his arms around. "LOOK MAN NO HANDS!"

"FILI WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Nori yelled.

Fili was braiding his mustache. He was so oblivious he didn't even flinch when a rock skimmed his nose and the walkway behind him gave way. As a result Oin plummeted into the chasm.

"FILI HELP US FIND SHELTER!" Nori tried to take Fili's hands away from his mustache but then Fili went ballistic and started singing One Direction. Everybody screamed and covered their ears. Gloin actually took his ears off even though his arms were still back in the Trollshaws.

They finally managed to shut up Fili but it was too late. The stone giants had awoken. They started throwing rocks at each other.

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT!" Bifur roared as a boulder almost hit his stylish beard. He drew his battle staff thingy and whirled it over his head like a propeller. To everyone's amazement he flew over to the rock giants and kicked them in the nuts, then flew back and carved a giant cave in the mountainside with his bare toes. "We can rest here for the night," he growled. Nobody dared argue.

-Somewhere Else-

Azog and his squad were mounted on some wargs, tracking down the Company. The Pale Orc inhaled deeply. Then he took his face out of a bag of cocaine and surveyed his surroundings.

“The scent is fresh! They have taken the mountain pass!”

Azog spurred his warg forward...and right into a tree. Both man and dog (or orc and warg) passed out immediately.

All the other orcs exchanged glances. “So...that was pretty weird, right? Heheh.”

“Shut the fuck up, Steve.”

-Back in the Cave-

"Let's get a fire going!" Balin suggested.

"Nope, no fire tonight!" Bofur contradicted just to piss him off.

"Why not, you little bitch? You wanna go? You wanna go?" Balin was getting all up in Bofur's grill when Thorin interrupted.

"No he's right, Dwalin might explode from all the alcohol he drank at Rivendell."

"But we left Rivendell a week ago." Confused Bilbo was confused.

Dwalin got really, really close to Bilbo. "Once I drink the alcohol, it never leaves my body." And that's basically why Bilbo tried to leave that night.

But before he could do that, a convenient hole opened up in the ground and they all fell into Goblin town.

They landed in a heap in the mountains deep.

When they got to their feet the goblins had a treat.

They decided to bring them to the Goblin King.

Bilbo snuck away to save his friends from the fray.

He fell down a pit because a goblin took a hit.

The dwarves were left to face the Goblin King, his Grace.

"And that's all I have so far, gurl!" Kili finished, taking off his bling that he reserved just for rapping.

"That was horrible," Thorin said majestically.

"Enough rhyming! Who dares enter my kingdom? Thieves? Spies? Assassins?" squelched the Goblin King, his skin-beard-scrotum-glockenspiel thingy swinging and hitting Oin in the face.

"Maybe dwarves?" Thorin said sarcastically.

"Girl you call this a kingdom? Where's the octagons? The shoemakers? What about the jogging salesmen?" Kili was indignant.

The goblins started searching the Company. Gloin decided to help them by taking everything off. Everything.

Everybody screamed and Bifur pushed Gloin into the abyss then made the author apologize for the mental image.

"So what are you peeps doin' in my realm?" The Goblin King tried a more subtle approach.

"We are a company of thirteen dwarves plus a hobbit and a wizard who are currently absent. Our leader is Thorin Oakenshield. We are on a quest to slay a dragon and reclaim Erebor! Oh yeah, and we're totally oblivious to the fact that we're being hunted by orcs who are led by Thorin's mortal enemy!" Dori blurted out.

Everybody stared at Dori.

Then chaos ensued, in which Dori stupidly tried to make friends with the goblins, Nori tried to knock out his brother before he could cause more harm, Dwalin drank lots of beer, and Balin had a killing contest with Bofur.

"STFUUU," Gandalf shouted boredly, appearing in the middle of the. He slammed his staff on the ground in the middle of the scuffle, causing everybody to fall down.

"Where were you?" Thorin groaned from the floor.

"I was Starbucking with Saruman." Gandalf ate his cake pop. "Bifur stop that."

Bifur was stabbing everything in sight, even Ori's ego.

"Take this, you jello ass mayonnaise bitch!" Gandalf poked the Goblin King with his cake pop stick, causing him to fall into the abyss, and ran, the dwarves close behind.

They fought their way through Goblin town. Fili got sidetracked and started braiding his hair again. Kili sassed the goblins, causing them to collapse in tears and glitter. Dori was still trying to make friends. Nori chopped off about two million goblin nuts with his sword. Ori ran around screaming about his skillz without doing much. Gloin was wandering around, earless and headless and somehow fully clothed. Not that anyone was complaining. Bifur was having the time of his life. Bofur and Balin were still counting kills. Bombur was hunting for cinnamon rolls. Dwalin was staying away from the torches. Thorin was stepping on Oin's face.

"Almost there!" Gandalf cried.

They'd made two meters of progress.

Finally the Goblin King sat his fat, rashy ass in their path and got their attention.

"You thought you could escape me?" The Goblin King knocked Gandalf back.

"Oh no you din't!" Kili cried.

"LOL, wut you gon' do now, Wizzy?" the Goblin King made an obscure gang sign. "I'd like to thank the academy..."

Gandalf scattered Legos under the Goblin King's feet while he was doing his victory dance. The Goblin King stepped on one, screamed, and died in a shower of propane.

Suddenly the bridge underneath their feet collapsed.

Everyone fell with it. The general consensus of this event was something along the lines of, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!”

They landed in a pile of dust and wood, somehow not dying. Gandalf stood next to the pile, completely unharmed SINCE HE’S A WIZARD YO.

“Well, that could have been worse,” Bofur commented.

No sooner did he speak than the Goblin King’s rashy ass fell right on top of them, forcing splinters further into Oin’s skull.

Balin flipped over a random (and somehow intact) table. “Why the fuck you always gotta ruin everything, Bofur? Huh?”

Fili wondered what Bilbo was doing.


	6. Gollum Gets Baptized

Chapter 6

Bilbo had fallen into Goblin Town like the rest of them, but managed to use his Hobbit ninja skills to sneak away. Unfortunately, one of the goblins heard him humming the Mission Impossible theme and went to investigate.

"You thought you could escape the might of the goblins?" The goblin sneered.

"Er... Where's the bathroom?" Bilbo asked innocently.

"There are no bathrooms in Goblin Town!" the goblin cackled, taking the shit of his life right in the middle of the walkway.

"Oh my god!" Bilbo was so horrified that he threw himself into the abyss.

"No wait, I haven't told you about the plumbinggggggggg!" The goblin jumped in after Bilbo.

When Bilbo woke up, he was lying in a pile of mushrooms.

"Someone should tell Radagast about this..." he muttered.

"Smells like shitses precious! Shut up! Better than old bones, precious; better than nothing!" hissed a voice from the darkness.

The creature Gollum tickled the goblin to death.

"Too many boneses, precious! Nothing of flesh!"

Bilbo followed the sound of the voice until he stepped on a Lego.

"OW, WHAT THE HELL!" he screamed, dancing around on one foot. Even hobbit feet were not immune to the power of Legos.

Back in Goblin Town, Gandalf felt a strange sense of accomplishment.

Bilbo noticed a ring lying on the rocks and picked it up for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Enormous eyes appeared in the darkness.

"Lindir, what are you doing here?" Bilbo asked.

Gollum jumped out. "Well bless us and splash us precious!"

And thus Gollum was baptized.

Bilbo pointed his sword at Gollum. "Stay back. I'm warning you, don't come any closer."

"What is it precious? Not an elfs. Not a conga lineses, no not that either. What is it?"

"How the hell could I be a conga line?"

"Not yogurt, precious. What is it?" Gollum was getting impatient.

"Um, I'm a hobbit. My name is Bilbo Baggins."

"What is a Bagginses?"

"Oh my god, I just told you. And it's Baggins. Not Bagginses."

"Bagginses."

"Baggins."

"Bagginses."

"Baggins."

"Bagginses."

"Baggins."

"Bagginses."

"Baggins."

"SHUT UP!" Gollum roared.

"You can't tell me what to do!" Bilbo did a z-snap.

"Why does it sass us, precious?"

"Look, I don't know what your game is, but I-"

"Games? We love games, doesn't we precious? Does it like games? Will it play with us precious?" Gollum started doing a weird dance.

Bilbo was starting to get a headache from the horrible grammar. "Fine, I'll play a game. But then you show us the way out, deal?"

"If it wins, yes. But if it loses, then we eats it whole."

"Boy, that escalated quickly. Fine, what are we going to play?"

After about fifty rounds each of "Duck, Duck, Goose", "Tag", and "Sophia's Schoolgirl Makeover", Bilbo sat down, exhausted.

"Can we play something else? Like a sitting down game?"

"Yes, precious, let's play riddles! What has roots as nobody sees, is taller than trees. Up, up, up it goes, and yet never grows."

“...Your mom.”

An airhorn sound echoed through the tunnels. “GET REKT!” Dwalin shouted from far away.

It was Bilbo’s turn to think of a riddle. “Um...thirty white horses on a red hill. First they champ, then they stamp, then they stand still.”

Gollum thought for a long while. “Nasty white American citizenses holding protestses on ancient Native American burial groundses stained with indigenous bloodses?”

“Um...sure...I guess…”

“Our turn. Voiceless it cries, wingless flutters, toothless bites, mouthless mu—”

“TOOTHLESS BITES!” That black dragon from the Dreamworks cartoon by the name of, you guessed it, Shrek, crashed through the wall and bit Gollum’s head off.

Bilbo looked into the camera like he was on The Office. “Alright well, I’m just gonna...go now…” He sprinted through the tunnels, hoping he could find his way out. The hobbit hadn’t gone far, though, before he tried to squeeze through a crevice and got stuck.

“Well, shit.”


	7. Wargs vs Alcohol

Chapter 7

Gandalf was counting dwarves yet again. "Ok, we got Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, how is Oin still alive, Fili, Kili, Ori….aaaaand Thorin. Wait. Where's Bilbo? WHERE THE BUHJEEZUS IS BILBO YOU SONS OF BITCHES?!"

"I think I saw him slip away when the goblins first collared us," Nori supplied.

"Well he ain't coming back!" Thorin snapped. "He's thought of nothing but his soft bed and his warm hearth since he first stepped out of his door! We will not be seeing our Hobbit again. He is long gone. And who cares, he didn't do crap anyway."

"I CARE!" Gandalf roared, his face turning a nice shade of razzmatazz. "I GAVE BILBO MY VISA CARD BEFORE WE GOT SEPARATED! HOW AM I GONNA GET MY GLITTER NOW, HUH THORIN? HOW AM I GONNA GET MY GLITTER?!"

"No, he's not." Bilbo dramatically appeared from behind a tree.

"Not what?" asked Gloin, extremely confused.

"I'm not gone," Bilbo explained. "Thorin said I was gone. You know, before Gandalf started ranting..."

"We moved past that like ten seconds ago, get with the program," Gandalf sassed.

Ori puffed out his chest, nearly knocking everyone off the cliff. "He obviously couldn't stay away from my awesomeness."

"But let's be serial tho," Gandalf interrupted. "Bilbo, where's my Visa card?"

Bilbo blinked approximately eleventeen times. "...Visa card?"

Gandalf's stare rivaled that of Lindir. "...You have my Visa card, right?"

"What in the Shire are you talking about, Gandalf?"

"Actually, we're not in the Shire anymore."

"SHUT UP, OIN." Oin was eviscerated, incinerated, incarcerated, confusticated, deteriorated, elaborated, perambulated, and reintegrated. But not necessarily in that order.

"YO! PAY HOMAGE TO MY AWESOMENESS!" Ori screamed, swinging his moobs in a hexagonal pattern.

Gloin instantly complied, bowing and sacrificing bulls and whatnot.

Unfortunately, the orcs also heard this and began running down the hillside towards the dwarves.

"Run zem over! Tear zem to pieces!" Azog screamed in a Russian/German/French/something accent. His howling army of wargs and orcs swarmed down the mountainside towards the company.

"Out of the frying pan..." Thorin muttered.

"And onto a plate!" Gandalf expertly flipped some scrambled eggs onto a plate. It was immediately eaten by Bombur.

Everybody stared at Gandalf.

"What?" Balin asked, voicing everyone's thoughts.

"Fly you fools!" Gandalf shouted.

Gloin, of course, immediately took off into the air.

Everybody decided to ignore this and started running down the hillside. That is, until they realized the hill led to a dead end: a cliff.

"Actually, climb the trees!" Gandalf commanded.

"Oh my god Gandalf! What do you want us to do? Fly or climb the trees? Pick one or the other!" Thorin raged, trying to be sassy and failing miserably. Martin Freeman is actually the King of Sass. So there.

Dwalin shook a champagne bottle vigorously and then opened it with his bare trachea. He used the stream of champagne to launch himself up to the top of a tree.

"ORI DON'T NEED NO TREES, YO!" Ori shouted, and was promptly run over by a warg, causing him to smash into Oin, who had just recovered from the evisceration, incineration, ect.

Fili took three warg tails and braided them together with lightning speed. This did nothing to help the matter; all three wargs inexplicably combined to become some sort of Cerberus-type creature, which began attacking Oin.

"Gurl, ain't nobody attacks Oin!" Kili snapped, shooting warg-Cerberus with his bow.

"YOU CALL THAT AN ATTACK?! LEMME SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE!" Bifur roared, taking his spear thing and waving it three times. It glowed and began whizzing around on it's own, taking out about fifty orcs per second before flying off into the night.

"STOP FIGHTING AND GET IN THE GODDAMN TREES!" Gandalf screamed.

Once everybody was in the trees, all the remaining wargs swarmed around the Company, snarling and howling strings of binary code. Because yolo.

"Butterfly powers, activate!" Gandalf cried. Faintly, Nori could see a lone butterfly flying off. Everybody else was looking at Azog.

"Azog?" Thorin gasped in horror.

"Do you smell eet? The scent of fear?" Azog replied.

"Hey! You didn't answer my question!" Thorin whined.

"Well you deed not answer mine!" Azog retorted.

There was an awkward silence.

"Should we start thees over?"

"Yeah, probably."

"Do you smell eet? The scent of fear?"

Everybody sniffed the air.

"I smell alcohol," Dwalin growled.

"You always smell that," Nori replied. "I think it continually comes out of your pores."

"Eet ees my new cologne," Azog continued. "I got eet from your fazer, Torin son of Train."

The author apologized for the horrible attempt at a German/Russian accent.

"Zat one ees mine," Azog pointed to Thorin. "Keel ze ozers!"

The wargs tried to jump on the trees, snarling. One of them almost ripped off Bofur's foot. Balin let out a nasally laugh which was interrupted when a warg threw itself into his lap.

"I want a harpoon launcher for Christmas, Santa!" it barked.

"GTFO!" Balin barked in the human sense, hitting the warg's nose until it fell on top of an orc.

"Drink zeir blood!" Azog cackled.

"NO, DRINK ALCOHOL!" Dwalin pulled several bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade out of his cheekbones and sprayed them all over the wargs.

Meanwhile, all of the trees had been knocked down by the weight of the wargs, causing the Company to jump from tree to tree until they were at the last tree standing at the very edge of the cliff.

"Shit, this isn't good." Gandalf stated the obvious once again. He took a pinecone and lit it on fire. "Fili! Catch!" He threw the lit pinecone to the blonde prince.

Fili caught it but once he realized he couldn't do anything with it that had to do with braiding, he threw it down in disgust. The flaming pinecone landed right in a puddle of Mike's Hard Lemonade. The flames traveled quickly through the alcohol that Dwalin had spread and soon the whole hillside was on fire.

"Yeayuh girl! This is going on Pinterest!" Kili snapped several pictures with his Blackberry.

"Do you guys realize that our tree is burning?" Nori asked. Nobody responded.

Dori got so excited at the fire that he started bouncing up and down, causing the tree to uproot itself. Thus, half of the company was hanging over the cliff.

Thorin jumped up and heroically charged towards Azog.

"Come at me bro!" Azog spread his arms, smirking.

"Hey! That's my line!" Thorin protested, though he had never said that in his entire life.

Azog raised his mace, about to bash Thorin's face off, when Bifur's magical spear came back and impaled Azog.

"OW MY OVARIES!" Azog screamed. There was another awkward silence. The awkwardness was so thick that it half-suffocated Thorin, bringing him to the ground.

"Bring hees head to me, Meenion Number Four," Azog commanded.

"But didn't you say that Thorin was yours?" Minion Number Four protested.

"Yahhhh!" Bilbo charged into the scene, throwing Scrubbing Bubble mascots and waving his sword. He managed to kill Minions Number Two and Four before Azog's warg head butted him.

Bifur, Kili, and Dwalin rushed to fight the wargs. Bifur used his spear again. Kili put on his bling again and started rapping to the wargs about how they were ugly and didn't even have two hundred followers on Instagram. Dwalin chopped off some of his toe hair and threw it into the fire. The alcohol-imbued hair caused a huge explosion that killed Minions Eight through Thirty.

The butterfly came back to Gandalf. "Yo, I brought some eagles."

"What? Not the MH-60L's that came last time?" Gandalf complained. "I guess the giant eagles will have to do."

A crapload of giant eagles swooped down and started beating up the wargs. They scooped up all of the company and flew away with them. Somehow the event had taken all night, so they got to watch the beautiful sunrise.

"THE SUN IS IN MY EEYESSS," Bifur roared, ripping handfuls of eagle feathers out of his bird.

The eagles dropped everyone on this huge ass rock that was shaped like a bear.

"Hey! Where are you going?!" Gandalf yelled as the eagles flew away. "The Lonely Mountain is like right there! It'll take you like ten minutes!"

"You know, I haven't had a line in a while," Bilbo commented.

"YOUUUUU!" Thorin used his Soulja Boy voice, pointed at Bilbo.

"What? If this turns into a music video, I'm jumping off this rock," the hobbit answered.

"Did I not say that you would be a burden? That you would not survive in the wild and that you had no place amongst us?" Thorin ranted.

"Actually you never said that," Nori commented.

"SHADDAP. Anyways, I have never been so wrong." Thorin hugged Bilbo and then fainted from awkwardness.

"I think a new meme was just created," Fili commented.

"Not gay," Bilbo mumbled from under Thorin.

"Hey, how are we going to get off of this rock?"


	8. Bears Bears Bears

**Chapter 8**

-Flashback to a Year Ago Because Why Not-

It was raining like the precipitation stage of the water cycle. Thorin swaggered into the Prancing Pony in of Bree. He ordered an assorted fruit platter and sat down to eat.

Then he noticed two shady ass men glaring at him from either side of the room. One of them was bald and Twitter famous. The other had auditioned for the role of Aragorn and failed.

“These sons of bitches are going down…” Thorin muttered to himself, not realizing that both men were pulling out enormous grenade launchers.

Just then, Gandalf walked in. "EYYYYYYYY! ALES ON ME, EVERYONE!" He let loose several party poppers and crowd surfed to Thorin's table. The two men were buried in a shower of confetti and swag.

"You can't sit with us," Gandalf sassed them.

"Who the hell are you?" Thorin asked, angrily eating pineapple.

Gandalf's eyebrows raised so high they took a life of their own and flew away to join their kin in Valinor. "You're kidding, right? I'm G-G-G-G-G-Gandalf!" Dubstep played in the distance.

"Okay?" Thorin became extremely concerned because the space where Gandalf's eyebrows were had become occupied by Lindir's ginormous eyeballs.

"Anyways, I mugged some muggers and found this." The wizard pulled out a receipt for marijuana. "Shit. Not that. Forget that." He quickly burned it and pulled out a piece of animal skin with Black Speech written on it.

"This is another receipt for marijuana."

"Only if you read it upside down. It really says, 'If you see a dwarf with bad eyebrows and a grumpy disposition, kill him and bring me his head.'"

The Goblin King crashed through the ceiling, adding, "Just a head, nothing attached." He flew out the window.

"What does that have to do with me?" Thorin asked, creasing his bad eyebrows.

"The clues are all there!" Gandalf insisted. "Who writes upside-down marijuana receipts in the Black Speech to disguise wanted posters?"

Thorin gasped. "The guy who was hunting my father Thomas the Train, or Thrain for short!"

"That's right. Mitt Romney and the other Republicans are hunting you. On a completely unrelated note, you should totally go reclaim Erebor sometime soon. I'm bored as hell and have no good parties to go to so I might as well screw with you and your dwarf friends."

Thorin shrugged. "Sounds good. I should really stop procrastinating the most important journey of my life anyways. Let's just hope this doesn't end in my death!" They both laughed heartily at that. "It would take someone like Azog the Defiler to kill me, and that bitch is surely dead! Ohohohhohoho!"

Gandalf wiped tears of mirth from both his and Lindir's eyes. "Well, there's no better to kick off a quest than to invade a hobbit hole and basically kidnap the resident!" He stood up. "Bag End. April 420th. Be there or be square."

Thorin tried to make himself extra round to assure Gandalf that he would totally be there. "It's on like Donkey Kong!"

-Back to the Present-

Bilbo watched Azog's pack of orcs gallop through the wilderness, still hunting the Company.

"How the hell did they get here so fast?" Bilbo wandered out loud. "We had giant fucking eagles carry us away while they were stuck on a flaming cliff."

"JET PACKS, BIUTCH!" Azog screamed as he and his posse took off into the air, jet packs attached to the underside of each warg.

"I guess that explains that."

Bilbo returned to the Company.

"What happened?" Bofur questioned.

"YEAH WHAT HAPPENED?!" Balin screamed.

"Well, I saw—"

"Was there any alcohol?" Dwalin grunted.

"Was there any food?" Bombur interrogated, disappointed because his number of chins had decreased from 32 to only 21. All of their supplies had been left in Goblin Town, forcing the company to go a devastating 2 hours without food or drink.

"SHADDAP I'M TALKING!" Bilbo screamed. "The orcs are like really close. Also, they have jet packs."

"Did you see Smokey the Bear?" Gandalf asked.

“No."

"Did you see Fozzie?"

"...What?"

"Yogi Bear? Winnie the Pooh?"

"Fucks sake, I didn’t see any bears!"

"Aw."

There was an awkward silence.

"What do we do now?"

"BEAR HUNTINGGGGGGGGGG!" Gandalf led the company out of the forest and through a bunch of fields and stuff, all the while singing a really cool dubstep song about bears that went a little something like:

BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BNZZZZZZZZZZ WUBBY WUBBY WUBBY BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS BEARS

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSS

"I think we found one!" Nori screamed.

They were being chased by a bear.

A huge-ass bear.

A huge-ass bear who'd had enough of their bullshit.

"Hurry! Run to that convenient house down yonder!" Gandalf pointed at a convenient house down yonder.

"So… tired… tho…" Bombur panted, eventually rolling down the hill and crashing through the door.

The others followed him and tried to shut the door but the giant bear stuck its snout in.

"OAEGHEAOIGHAEOIGRJ!" it roared.

"Oh gurl, you ain't comin' in this house!" Kili raged, warding off the bear with lipstick. Eventually they were able to shut the door.

"I never want to hear that word again…" Bilbo's eye twitched.

"Which word? Bears? Is bears the word you don't wanna hear Bilbo? Is it?" Oin asked. "I can't hear ye! Speak louder? Is bears the word? Bears? Bears bears bears?"

"Okay, Bilbo, stop stabbing Oin now. We don't want our host to get mad at all that blood on his floor."

"Who's our host?"

"The bear. He's actually a shapeshifterBILBO GET THAT SWORD AWAY FROM ME! His name is Beorn. He may not be the best party thrower but his eyebrows are on fleek and a really cool house. Do you see his house? Everything is big."

"Wait a second… is everything big… or have we shrunk?" Dori expressed his theory with wide eyes.

"Well maybe your brain has shrunk but honestly that is the stupidest thing you have said yet," Gandalf sassed.

"Does anybody know what Obama's last name is? It's been bothering me for months." Dori looked around expectantly.

"…and I stand corrected."

In the end, everyone ended up setting up their sleeping bags on the floor and raiding Beorn's pantry. Gandalf also set up a sound system and a disco ball.

"IT'S PARTY TIME!"

Later that night, Beorn turned back into human form and entered his house. He found most of the dwarves passed out across various pieces of furniture. Gloin was still singing about shots. Fili had carrots taped to his fingernails. Bilbo was wearing a wedding dress upside down and backwards.

Kili sat up and looked at Beorn. "OH MY GAH HE'S NEKKED!" he squealed. Beorn was indeed not wearing any clothes.

There was an awkward silence.

"Okay, if I let you guys stay for breakfast, will you forget this ever happened?" the bear-man finally said.

"Sure."

"SHOTS!"

-Dol Guldur-

Azog had been summoned back to the evil fortress because of reasons. Sauron was waiting for him. At this point the Maiar was just a black spiky thing with no real substance, but he still looked pretty badass.

“We grow in number. We grow in strength. You will lead my armies,” Sauron hissed in a deep sexy voice.

“Awww!” Azog whined. “But what about Oakenshield? I still have to kill his ass.”

“And you will, son. But not now.”

“I AM NOT YOUR SON!”

“So, does that mean you’ll do it?”

Azog sighed. “Fine…”

“Yay!” Sauron tried to hug the Pale Orc. However, since he was made entirely out of energy he nearly killed him. “Dammit. Happens every time. Can’t wait to get my real body back…”

“Bolg!” Azog yelled from where he was lying weakened on the ground.

Another huge orc came striding forward, pushing one orc into the chasm below even though it wasn’t in his way. “I am currently here at this moment in time!” He stopped in front of Azog. “You are lying on the floor!”

“Kill...Oakenshield…” Azog groaned, then passed out.

“I will do as you wish!  I will kill this Oakenshield guy until he is dead and no longer living!” Bolg marched out of the area.

-Beorn’s House-

The next morning, everyone was sitting at Beorn's huge-ass table eating honey and stuff for breakfast.

"This is a lame ass breakfast!" Bifur complained.

Beorn's eyebrows bristled angrily.

"Yeah! Where's the bacon?" Bombur complained, his mouth full of cheese and muffins.

Beorn's eyebrows started to sizzle and vibrate.

"Where's the alcohol?" Dwalin screamed, even though liquor was spewing out of his armpits.

_***EYEBROWS INTENSIFIES*** _

"That's why I've always hated dwarves!" Beorn announced angrily, his eyebrows picking up Oin and smashing him into the table. "Always asking for more crap than they have, never having enough! And they taste—I mean smell like ass!"'

The table fell silent.

Finally Kili said, "Remember how last night you—"

“SHUT UP!” the bear man yelled. “I’LL HELP WITH YOUR QUEST!”

Oin was still being smashed into the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all the support! :)  
> Also: this thing probably isn't gonna be 27 chapters (it'll be less), I'm just keeping that number since that was what I had on ff.net. I'm combining chapters and adding extra scenes so it'll be less chapters, but more content.


	9. BFFLUDDUAs

Chapter 9

So the Company plus Gandalf rode their ponies—

"Hey!" Gandalf shouted. "I'm part of the Company too!"

So the Company (including Gandalf, who kept leaving to go do random shit so he wasn't officially included)—

"D:" Gandalf somehow said.

"Who are you talking to?" Bilbo asked.

Everyone arrived at the edge of Mirkwood.

"Ok everyone, let the ponies go!" Gandalf commanded.

"Aw gurl do I have to? Frilly Foo Foo Pants and I are like, BFFLUDDUAs!" Kili whined, clinging to his pony. FFFP the pony was covered in glittery makeup, various bows, and had its hair braided. The pony gave three short snorts, three long snorts, and three short snorts. Nobody knew Morse code, but they decided to rescue the pony anyway.

"Kili, let the pony go."

"What does BFFLUDDUA stand for anyway?"

"Best Friends For Life Until Death Do Us Apart, gurl!"

A small, glittery tear fell from the pony's eye.

After finally convincing Kili to let go of FFFP, the Company assembled in front of the Gate of Mirkwood.

"This forest feels… sick," Bilbo commented.

"IT NEEDS ALCOHOL." Dwalin began chucking beer bottles at the trees.

"So guys I'm leaving you now! Byeee!" Gandalf began skipping away.

"Wait where are you going?" Bilbo asked. "When are you coming back?"

"Meh, probably on some stupid mission to get beat up by evil and have the eagles rescue me again. I'll be back by…. probably the next movie."

"Sounds fair."

Gandalf rocketed into the sky with a blast of pure awesomeness. A disco ball fell on Oin.

"Alright, men, let's go! Follow the path!" Thorin commanded.

Everyone walked past the sign that said, "WARNING: If you're not an elf, the mushrooms in Mirkwood will get you stoned out of your mind. If you're a Man or a hobbit, turn back. If you're a dwarf, you suck. And if you're a goblin or an orc, WE GON' GET YOU, SUCKA!"

Within an hour, the entire Company was trippin harder than Pippin Took on twenty pounds of Longbooty leaf.

"I'MMM ORI, YOOOoO0O0," Ori slurred, walking into a tree.

"Imma braid, imma braid thissssssss." Fili patted a branch.

"Die diE DiE!" Bifur body-slammed a mushroom, then realized he was upside down and fell into the sky.

"SNETCHYEH!" Bofur punched Balin's beard over and over again until Dasher, Dancer, and Vixen recognized their word pool and corrected the deposit.

A tree swung its branches at Gloin. But since Gloin was a fighter fighter, he ducked and swung his sword at the tree. But the tree ducked and swung, and Gloin ducked and swung at the tree who ducked and swung. Then Gloin ducked and swung. The tree ducked and swung at Gloin, who ducked and swung.

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!" Thorin slammed his hand down.

"That's my face," Bilbo groaned.

"Hey guys, I found the path!" Dori shouted. "Oh wait, it's just a Dad."

Nori sighed and fell onto his face. "I'm soooooo tired."

"Hi So Tired, I'm Dad!" the Dad said.

"hHAhaHAhahHa remember that time when we partied at my house?" Bilbo laughed and slapped himself. "LoL I'm soooo high!" He laughed himself up into a tree. "Wow i'm In a trEe!"

Then the fresh air hit his face and Bilbo sobered up faster than Bombur eating McDonalds. "Well that was weird. Hey, I can see a lake! And the Lonely Mountain! And butterflies!

"...guys?"

Bilbo climbed back down and noticed that all the trees were covered in spider webs. "Ew. Was it always like that?"

"SURPRISE, BITCH!" A huge spider snarled, jumping at Bilbo. The hobbit screamed and passed out.

"Well, that was easy."

When Bilbo woke up, he was covered in webs and being dragged through the trees by a giant spider. The monster turned around and clicked its clicky things. "This one looks nice and plump!"

"YOU CALLIN ME FAT, ASSHOLE?!" Bilbo shouted, stabbing the spider in the face and cutting through the webs.

The rest of the giant spiders turned from where they were wrapping the dwarves in webs and started scuttling towards Bilbo.

"Shit!" Bilbo put on the ring and began jabbing and slashing at the spiders.

"Ow, that stings!" one of the spiders hissed.

"Haha doesn't feel that good, doesn't it?" Bilbo cackled and cut down the webs holding the Company.

Bifur was the first to wake up. He cut open the webs with the axe in his head and started helping the others. Because Bifur is hardcore and Bifur's axe is better than you.

Dori noticed a group of slight figures moving through the forest and waved to them. "Hiiii!"

The group, of course, turned out to be a bunch of elves.

Legolas jumped up and dramatically slid towards the Company, aiming an arrow at Thorin's face. "Do not think I won't kill you, dwarf!"

Meanwhile, Bilbo ended up falling to the forest floor, the ring slipping from his finger. A spider jumped down as well, one of its leg things bumping into the ring.

"AH HELL NAH BRAH!" Bilbo screamed, stabbing the spider in the balls.

"What the fuck, man!" the spider squealed in a really high-pitched voice.

"Minee!" Bilbo hissed, picking up the ring.

A few yards away, the Company was being searched by elves.

"Sorry I'm late guys!" Tauriel burst through the trees.

"The fuck is that?" Bofur screamed, pointing at Tauriel.

"My name is Tauriel, and I'm a completely made up character designed to bring more female energy to the movie!"

"We're in a movie?"

Legolas was not amused. "Tauriel, get the fuck out. We're trying to do actual plot-advancing things here."

"Aw whyyyyy? I wanna be a canon Mary-Sue!" Tauriel whined.

"If you wanna add female energy go paint toenails or something. We already have Galadriel anyway!"

"OH MY GAH ANOTHER SPIDER!" Kili screamed, throwing swag-patterned shutter shades at the she-elf. Tauriel burst into tears and fled the scene.

"Thank god she's gone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some people expressed some concern over how Tauriel was going to be treated in this work. And while I'm not a fan of her character, I decided to add her anyway. I tired to balance out the hate for people who don't like her and the non-hate moments for people who do. And there will be slight Kiliel (more of a platonic thing really). I hope that's cool with you guys!


	10. Lee Pacing

Chapter 10

“Search them,” Legolas commanded to his elf squad.

The elves began taking weapons away from the Company. Within a few minutes, they’d made a pile of Fili’s daggers, Dwalin’s alcohol, several pounds of crack cocaine, and Dori’s toy pirates.

“Hey, give that back!” Gloin made grabby hands at the locket that Legolas took from him.

Legolas looked at the pictures inside. “Who is this? Your brother?”

Oin waved. “Actually, I’m—” A Kaiju burst from the ground and ate the dwarf.

Legolas looked at the second picture. “And what is this horrid creature? A goblin mutant?”

Gloin awkwardly cleared his throat. “It was a dare, okay? We only had one night together.” His gaze turned wistful. “And what a night it was…”

“I would give anything to not have heard that.” The blond elf made a hasty escape to another part of the clearing. He picked up Thorin’s sword. “This is an ancient elvish blade, forged by my kin. Where did you get it?”

Thorin narrowed his eyes. “Your mom’s ass.”

“OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!” all the dwarves yelled.

“Shut up!” Legolas shouted with tears in his eyes. He turned to the other guards. “Enwenno hain!”

The elves began marching the dwarves out of the clearing. Behind the group, Bilbo was trailing after the dwarves in stealth mode (meaning the Ring). The hobbit tried to do a forward roll, but misjudged terribly and ended up falling off a cliff. Somehow.

Thorin looked up, feeling a strange sense of disappointment. “We are so fucked.”

-Later-

"THERE'S NOTHING TO BRAID IN HERE!" Fili screamed.

"LOL I got a bigger cell than you!" Balin taunted Bofur.

The dwarves were being kept in separate cells in the dungeons of Mirkwood, and were not happy about it. Obviously.

"Guys, I found a way to escape!" Dori hissed. He started to squeeze himself sideways through the bars and maybe got like half of his pinky through.

"Good job, Dori!" Nori told his brother in a patronizing voice.

Suddenly Dori teleported and appeared outside his cell.

"Wait, what the hell?"

And the dwarf teleported right back in. Dori giggled like a little girl. "That was a cool glitch!"

Meanwhilez, Thorin was in the throne room speaking with the king. Elvenking Thranduil had the silkiest blond hair, killer eyebrows, and the perfect combination of sass and majesty. The dwarf king narrowed his eyes, watching the taller being Lee Pace around the room. The two elven escorts already had slash fan fiction ideas running through their heads.

"Some may imagine that a noble quest is at hand," Thranduil began, sipping from a margarita. "A quest to reclaim a homeland… and slay a dragon.

"I myself suspect a less noble motive… an attempted burglary, perhaps."

Thorin jumped. When the hell had Thranduil ended up behind him?

Thranduil leaned down to study Thorin. "You have found a way in."

Thorin couldn't handle his desire anymore, he pushed Thranduil back onto his throne and! #$%^&*(*&^%$# #$%^&

Smut aside, Bilbo managed to steal the keys to the dwarves' cells. He unlocked all the cells and led the dwarves down to the wine cellar.

"Okay guys! Get in the barrels, I have a genius plan!" Bilbo announced. After those idiot dwarves argued with Bilbo for a while, Thorin finally made them get in the barrels.

"WHY IS THERE NO ALCOHOL IN THIS BARREL?!" Dwalin complained. A wine bottle was promptly thrown in his face. "Yussss."

"Well, what do we do now?" Nori asked.

"Byee!" Bilbo cackled, and pulled a lever. Beyoncé started blaring from hidden speakers, and several disco balls showered glitter and began spinning like crazy. Far away, Gandalf's head turned sharply in the direction of Mirkwood. He narrowed his eyes, then nodded in approval.

Unfortunately, the elves also noticed this and realized the dwarves were gone.

"Crapcrapcrap wrong lever!" Bilbo pulled the lever next to that one, sending the dwarves down into the river below.

One of the elven guards. stumbled into the room, drunk. Bilbo thought it was a highly convenient coincidence. It actually wasn't a coincidence. King Thrandy threw a party literally every night and all the elves get super smashed. This might be a somewhat minor reason as to why Mirkwood is infested with evil giant spiders.

"Ayyy lmao!" the elf tried to tackle Bilbo but misjudged tremendously and ended up ramming into a shelf. Bilbo tried running away but somehow fell down the barrel disposal door and ended up landing on Oin.

"Welcome Master Baggins!" Thorin said.

"Hurry! We gotta get away from the elves!" Gloin frantically started doggy paddling, splashing most of the company. Some water landed in Bifur's eye.

"I WILL DESTROY YOUR PROSTATE!" Bifur screamed. Gloin was very lucky that Bifur's spear thing had been confiscated by the elves.

Then they exited the Mirkwood palace and started riding the barrels down a series of rapids.

"HAHA I'M GOIN FASTER THAN YOU!" Bofur yelled at Balin. He stopped grinning when an orc landed on his face. "ASDGSALK;GJ IT'S AN ORC!"

"Oh no, gurl!" Kili yelled.

"KILI ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?!" Bofur screamed, trying to push the orc off.

"Sorry gurl. I don't have my boOow! But I can take incriminating Snapchats of him!"

"ALCOHOL!" Dwalin took a 39 gallon beer bottle and smashed it on his head.

"How is that supposed to help me?" Bofur and the orc were involved in an intense catfight.

"ALCOHOL!"

"Guys, we're being chased by orcs _and_ elves!" Nori cried.

"WHAT?!"

"And now, the weather."

Bombur somehow ended up getting flung out of the water.

"Haha, you're fat!" one of the orcs taunted.

"YES. YES I AM." Bombur fell and began rolling all over the orcs, crushing them. And then his arms popped out of the barrel and he basically blended the orcs with two swords he'd found somewhere. He'd probably eaten them at some point in time.

"NEVER MESS WITH THE DOUBLE CHIN, YA FOOLS!" Bombur jumped back into the water.

"Sjwoigjwogijwroi!" All of the dwarves (plus Bilbo, who was hanging onto Nori's barrel) smashed into one another as they hit this random gate in the water.

"Nyehehe we've got you now, dwarves! You've been stopped by this random gate in the water!" Bolg snarled, slinking onto the scene.

Legolas and Tauriel also came running in, fighting off the orcs. Legolas thought it would be amusing to fight orcs while playing Dance Dance Revolution on top of the dwarves' heads.

"Gurls and gals, imma pull the switch and get it outta here!" Kili grabbed his Blackberry and jumped out of his barrel.

"Yeah Kili!" Fili cheered.

Bolg shot an arrow into Kili's leg. "I just shot you in the leg!"

"GURL IMMA KILL YOU THESE PANTS WERE NOT CHEAP!" Kili screamed.

"I'll save you!" Tauriel fought her way over to Kili and gave him some ASOS coupons.

"Thanks, gurl!"

"There is an arrow in your leg!" Bolg roared at the dwarf, trying to be intimidating.

"I did it for the Vine!" Kili pulled the switch and jumped back into his barrel. And the dwarves were off again.

Legolas was forced to stop playing DDR because he and Tauriel had to finish fighting off the orcs.

"I am leaving now!" Bolg snarled, leaving with the surviving orcs.

 


	11. Not Orlando Bloom

Chapter 11

“Swiggity swanswers comin for them answers!” Gandalf swaggered up to the Nazgul tomb. “Oh great, there’s stairs.”

Radagast was watching Gandalf climb the stairs from a distance. “If he falls on that next one I’m gonna laugh. OMG that bunny is so cute!” When the brown wizard turned back, Gandalf was clinging onto one of the steps and struggling to get back up, the one he’d been standing on having fallen down. Radagast chuckled to himself. “His oddly specific inability to climb back up when he’s fallen will be the death of him one day.”

Gandalf finally managed to get up and enter the tomb. He turned on the disco lights setting on his staff and walked through the dusty, dim hallways. “Why am I even here again?”

“Boo!”

Gandalf screamed and bitch-slapped Radagast. “DON’T DO THAT TO ME!”

“Sorry, Gandalf. It’s really dark in here. I’m craving pancakes. Nice staff, by the way.”

“Whatever. Anyways, is this place dim or what?”

Radagast was singing that stupid duck song from like 2007.

“I’m getting this strange vibe…. almost like the Nazgul have been revived.”

“The duck walked up to the lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand…”

“RADAGAST! PAY ATTENTION YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

“I’m sorry, Gandalf! Hey, it kind of looks like the Nazgul tombs have been broken!”

“You know, sometimes I feel like we’re on different wavelengths.”

“I WANNA WALK ON YOUR WAVELENGTH, AND BE THERE WHEN YOU VIBRAATE. FOR YOU I’D RISK IT AAAAAAAALLL...”

“I am seriously about toSWEET jesUS you were right! The tombs have been broken in from the inside!”

“AAAAAALLL KISS ME K-K-KISS ME…”

A swarm of bats flew from one of the broken tombs and knocked Radagast into the chasm.

“Thank god.”

-Elsewhere-

Finally the river calmed down and the dwarves were able to disembark from their barrels.

"Thank you for choosing Bilbo's Barrels. Have a nice day!" Bilbo said cheerfully, even though he was totally soaked.

"State your business or imma put a cap in yo ass!" screamed a voice.

Everyone turned to see some sort of Orlando Bloom ripoff standing on a rock. He was aiming a longbow at Fili's face.

"That's a longbow," the sassy prince informed the newcomer. "You'd need a gun to put a cap in my ass!"

Not-Orlando-Bloom took out two pistols and pointed both of them at Fili.

"Oh, alright then!"

"LINDIR!" Oin shouted, pointing.

Fake Orlando instinctively shot Oin in the face. Nobody really expected anything less.

"Seriously though, Lindir!" Balin shouted and pointed too. Soon everyone was shouting and pointing in random directions. Nobody noticed Lindir's eyes slowly retreating back into Fakelando's quiver…

"SILENCE!" Thorin and Fakelando screamed at the same time.

"God, stop tryna act so kingly!" Thorin snapped at Fakelando.

"The hell do you want with me? I'm just a fisherman tryna get some fish and then a bunch of random-ass dwarves and a ferret thing—" Bilbo flipped him off. "—come and land on my rocks! By the way, I'm Bard."

"Cool, nobody cares. Would you mind smuggling us into Laketown?"

"And why would I do that?"

"We'll pay you."

"How much?"

"Very much!"

Fakelando I mean Bard thought about it for a minute. "I'm down, homie!"

"Swag!" The dwarves got into the boat.

-Meanwhile in Mirkwood-

Legolas, Tauriel, and Thrandy were interrogating an orc they had captured.

“So tell me, why were you and your lame excuses for homeboys chasing Thorin Oakenshield’s company?” Thranduil interrogated as he Lee Paced around the room.

“That’s none of your business! That Oakenshield guy is never gonna be king anyway!”

“Duh,” Legolas sassed. “There’s a giant fire breathing dragon living in their mountain.”

“No but seriously. My master serves the One, whatever that means, probably Beyoncé, but you elf bitches are going down.”

Thranduil was #shocked. He knew who the One really was. A name too dark to be spoken in elven halls.

Mitt Romney.

“By the way, that dwarf guy got shot with a poisoned arrow. He’ll probably die soon,” the orc added.

“OMG! He’ll never get to use those coupons I gave him!” Tauriel gasped. She ran out of the room.

“Nobody likes you Tauriel! Stop trying to be noble!” Legolas yelled after her.

“I hate Beyoncé’s new album,” the orc said. Thranduil cut his head off.

“DAaaaaAAad!” Legolas whined. “That was my first interrogation ever! I was gonna go all bad cop on him, and thrust his head into the flames-“

“Shaddap, my child.” Thranduil cut him off. “Daddy needs another margarita. And you should probably go after Tauriel. We don’t want her seducing half the guard and end up q-“

“DAD!”

“Alright, fine, I’ll admit it, I am drunk out of my mind. “Now go. Seriously.”

-Back at the River-

There was a puddle of mysterious red liquid on the rocks. One of the orcs tasted it. “Dwarf blood. Yum!”

Another orc leaned over to his companion. “Tell me again why we brought this guy?”

“I don’t know, but it looks like someone just got eboooolaaaaaa!” All the orcs hooted and hollered as they partied down the stream.

-A Boat-

"GIMME MORE ROOM! I'M ORI, YO!" Ori screamed, elbowing the space around him. Oin fell into the freezing water.

"Be careful, there's lots of treacherous rocks and shipwreck remains!" Dori cried, pointing at the ominous shapes through the fog.

"HOMIE PLEASE I have done this like twenty times. This is my livelihood! Now shut yo bitch-ass mouth," Bard replied.

"He called me a bad word!" Dori sobbed, clinging onto Nori's sleeve.

Nori punched himself in the face. "Am I the only sane person here?"

"WHERE IS THE ALCOHOL?" Dwalin smashed his fists on the side of the boat. "WHAT'S IN THESE BARRELS? ALCOHOL?"

"No, those are fish."

"WHERE IS ALCOHOL?"

They finally saw Laketown in the distance.

"Okay, pay up," Bard said.

All the dwarves pooled their money together and started counting their coins. It is worth noting that dwarves absolutely suck ass when it comes to counting.

"Five, six, seven, eight…What comes after eight?"

"No, it goes like this! One coin, two coins, three coins, four coins, five coins, President Coin, Leonardo DiCaprio…wait."

"Shut up! Twelve, thirteen, fourteen…"

"TWENTY, ELEVEN, SEVENTY THREE, KETCHUP, FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN-"

Balin jumped on Bofur and started strangling him. "MESS UP MY COUNTING ONE MORE TIME, I DARE YOU!"

Bard was getting impatient. "Come on! Gimme the dough!"

"Coming right up, sir!" Gloin pulled like 135 pounds of Pillsbury dough out of Lindir's eyes and chucked it at Bard. Fortunately, Bombur ate it all and died of cardiac arrest. Finally.

"Quick, hide! Mitt Romney is coming!" Bard shouted at the dwarves. They practically dove into the barrels of fish. The Orlando Bloom lookalike chuckled and collected the coins they'd left on the floor.

The boat stopped at the little checkpoint-security-thing.

"Whatchu got in there, Bard?" a random soldier asked.

"Fish. Whatzit look like, dumbass? Dwarves?"

They laughed heartily at that.

Alfrid chose this moment to slither in. He was a disgusting little man, with bad skin and a unibrow.

"How's it going, Bert?" Bard hailed Alfrid.

"OHOHOOHO I ACTUALLY GOT THAT ONE!" the soldier started laughing uncontrollably. "EEHEHEEE OMFG CUZ LIKE BERT FROM SESAME STREET, AND THEY BOTH GOT UNIBROWS AAHHA SWEET JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL HAAHA, HAhahahahhahHH, ha, hah, ha…" He trailed off awkwardly.

"Yeah, you better leave now, homie." The soldier left. "Stupid extras."

"Taking fish into Laketown is illegal, Bard," Alfrid sneered.

"Dafuq? That's not true! How are we supposed to feed the residents?"

Alfrid chuckled darkly. "The Master made up I mean declared it while you were gone!"

"That son of a bitch…"

"Well, I guess that's that!" Alfrid began to dump the fish back into the Lake.

"WAIT NOO!" Bard slapped his hand away. "How about I do you a favor and dump them myself in the middle of the town where everyone will be able to feed themselves for once!"

Alfrid thought long and hard about that. He thought so long and hard that his unibrow crawled off his face. By the time he was done thinking, Bard was long gone.

"Goddammit. Happens every time."

-In the Master’s House Place-

“Civil unrest...rumors...the people have become restless,” Alfrid said with his hands clasped behind his back as he gazed out a window. “Only one man can bring these criminals to justice. One man, one moment, now—” A shot glass hit him in the back of the head.

“Ia'mn dbe wantin a, a brandyyyy,” the master groaned from where he was lying on his bed, Breaking Bad themed pajamas askew. He took another shot.

Alfrid sighed and took off his Batman mask. “There’s even been talk of an election.”

“Well then, well then, well then, well then, we’ll just...an election?” the master jackknifed to his feet, nearly impaling himself on a sharp chair. Those do exist. “Who in the hell would have the balls?” He looked straight into the camera and narrowed his eyes. “Bard.”

-Meanwhile-

A lot of shit happened which resulted in most of the families in Laketown getting their fish and also the dwarves had to climb out of a toilet.

"This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me," Bilbo whimpered.

"Dad, why are there dwarves coming out of our toilet?" one of Bard's kids asked.

"Because shut up, Bob."

"Bain."

"Whatever."

Everyone ended up getting a fancy change of clothes (nobody knew why Bard had fourteen dwarf and hobbit sized outfits in his home, but yolo).

"We also need weapons," Thorin demanded.

"Why the hell do you want weapons? It's not like you're gonna go reclaim Erebor or anything." Bard laughed at his own statement.

"Uh. Yeah. We're, uh, reenacting Monty Python and the Holy Grail," Thorin replied with shifty eyes.

Bard nodded. "A worthy cause. Fine, I'll give you the weapons. But I'm going to require some sort of payment."

Bombur threw up an entire Taco Bell.

"HELL YEAH! I'm down, homie!" Bard went to go get his weapons.

He brought back a shitload of like fishing spears and nets and a wrench or two.

"THE FUCK IS THIS?" Dwalin screamed, slamming his fists on the table. He was going through a serious withdrawal, having already consumed all of Bard's liquor stash two minutes ago. It was a devastating yet inspiring struggle.

"Yeah, you can't even fight with these!" Dori picked up a gaff and held it up to his eye. "Like, if I were to stab my eye with this, it wouldn't do anything!"

"ORI REQUIRES SOME BETTER WEAPONS!" Ori protested angrily.

"OH My gOd nEveR mInD!" Dori screamed.

Bard stared at the dwarf, who did indeed have a gaff in his eye. "Is that guy serious?"

"This is total bullshit!" Thorin roared, flipping over the table. "We're gonna go raid the town armory for some real weapons!"

Meanwhile, Alfrid was watching Thorin flip over the table from the window. He'd heard the whole conversation. The gross little man chuckled to himself. "Oh, how the tables have tabled…"


	12. FalcoPUNCH

**Chapter 12**

"TAURIEL!" Legolas shouted. "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"

"I am over here, Legolas." Tauriel was standing on a rock formation thing, trying to make the wind dramatically blow through her hair but her hair kept blowing into her face.

"Yeah, well, Thranduil sent me to come find you so he could forgive your bitch-ass disobedience and possibly fire you."

"He may forgive me, but I will not forgive myself," Tauriel proclaimed.

"Good, no one needs your big-ass ego in Mirkwood anyway. This whole dwarf vs. orc thing isn't even any of our business."

"It is our fight!" Tauriel insisted. "Are we not a part of this world?"

Legolas' eye twitched. "Actually… you're not. I am, but you're not. Peter Jackson made you up for reasons unknown. I'm not actually sure you fit in with all of the canon rules."

There was an awkward silence.

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right."

Movinggg on…

Bard was on a quest for answers. And possibly a cheeseburger, if there were any left in the town. He walked/swaggered into one of the shops. “Eyo JimBob! Where’s that tapestry you were keeping around.”

JimBob (that probably wasn’t his real name) blinked, a bead of sweat rolling down his face. “U-Uh. It’s, uh...why?”

“Aha! Here it is!” Bard ripped aside a couple of floorboards and holy shit what do you know? There it was. “Wait, what’s all this white stuff?”

A bunch of people outside the shop started whispering. “The prophecy...the prophecy…”

JimBob finally snapped and ran away screaming, never to be seen again.

“Well, that was weird.” Then Bard dropped a sick beat and all the townspeople started rapping about the prophecy of Durins folk.

The lord of silver fountains,

The king of carven stone,

The king beneath the mountain blah blah blah I’m getting tired! Let’s go home!

So they all went home.

-Elsewise-

The dwarves had developed a genius plan to get actual weapons. They snuck through town and made a staircase out of their bodies that led up to a conveniently opened window.

Balin and Bofur both tried to run up the dwarf-staircase at the same time and ended up bouncing off each other. Balin ended up in the lake and Bofur somehow ended up in an opium den. He promptly got high and forgot about everything.

Soon the dwarves were collecting swords, spears, ect. and were carrying them down the stairs.

"ORI MUST GO NOW!" Ori screamed softly, catapulting himself up the dwarf-stairs and into the window. However, his ego was too big to fit and he ended up blocking the window.

"I got this!" Nori cried, and was emphatically shushed by the others, Dori actually going so far as to spray spit in his brother's face.

Nori equipped himself with his strongest Crocs and whisper-yelled, "FALCO…. PUNCH!"

The resulting shockwave echoed throughout the land. The lake water became choppy. The Mirkwood trees swayed. Several goblins in the Misty Mountains were knocked into the abyss and Gollum feasted on them. The Riders of Rohan paused as their weird ponytail helmets flapped in the wind.

Laketown slept on.

All the dwarves breathed a sigh of relief, at least until Kili realized that Katy Perry's new album was coming out today and squealed, dropping all the weapons he was carrying.

Alarms blared. Sirens wailed. Children cried. Nicholas Cage was very, very silent. All of the dwarves (plus Bilbo, minus Bofur who was still stoned) were caught by the town guards and brought before the town hall.

The Master swaggered/waddled/perambulated to the front porch. "What do we have here?" he declaimed.

"Maybe dwarves?" Thorin replied sarcastically.

Bilbo huffed, excluded.

"They were raiding the armory, your eminemisence." One of the guards sneered.

The Master gasped, outraged. "What in the name of McDonald's Dollar Menu were you thinking?" He pointed at Nori. "Crocs? Really? Y'all are under arrest."

Thorin stepped forward majestically. "Bitch, please. I'm Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King under the dip dop biddly bop mountain!"

Several girls in the crowd started fangirling and screaming about some guy called Richard Armitage.

"See how he is causing unrest within the masses, Master?" Alfrid hissed, unibrow bristling like a caterpillar going into cardiac arrest. "All the more reason to arrest them."

"So I guess you're here to reclaim Erebor and get yo gold back?" the Master asked.

"Hell yeah bro!" Thorin replied. "But we need those armory weapons to do it. And in return, we'll give you enough gold to rebuild Esgaroth ten times over!"

"But with additional strip malls and McDonalds," the Master reminded him.

"Of course."

Bard rushed onto the scene. "What the frick frack diddly quack snapback biofeedback snip snap jib jab antibacterial wipe peanutbutter jelly rubber duck milkshake constitutional monarchy San Diego Zoo lapis lazuli Australopithecus africanus cognitive learning disability chips and dip is going on here?" He spotted Thorin and pointed at him. "This son of a bitch is gonna bring ruin to us all! Don't forget it was his grandfather who brought the dragon here with his crazy gold fetish!"

"Not so fast!" the Master pointed at Bard. Gloin pointed at a random person to feel included. Unfortunately, he happened to be pointing at Bubbles McCuddlepaw, the most dangerous man south of the northern border and north of southern things. The burly man glared at Gloin and made a snapping motion with his hands.

"Don't forget it was your great grandpappy who screwed up trying to kill the dragon and doomed all of Dale!" the Master continued. "Arrow after arrow he fired, each one missing its mark. Shooting a flying dragon is easy, ya dumbass!"

"Ha!" Thorin sassed. "Who's the hypocrite now?"

Thorin and Bard stared each other down. The homosexual tension was palpable.

"Eyyyyy who wants to have a party to celebrate dwarves and stuff?" the Master broke in. Everyone cheered and went inside the town hall to get drunk.

-The Next Morning-

The dwarves (plus Bilbo) were all given weapons, supplies, and stupid looking costumes from like Urban Outfitters or something before getting ready to leave on fancy boats.

"Kili, you cannot go," Thorin told his nephew. "You have some half-assed romance plot to continue, remember?"

"Totally, gurl?" Kili was confused, then excited. Maybe they were talking about Taylor Lautner.

"I'm staying too, then!" Fili declared. "My brother's gonna need a wingman!"

"Yeah, gurl!" Kili was getting more excited. "You can braid my hair!"

Oin had to stay behind too because he'd gotten into a bar fight at the party and was currently having most of his appendages reattached.

Bofur also had to stay behind because he'd only just gotten out of the opium den and was so high if he'd decided to bake anything he would've had to use the special altitude baking times.

"Can we please stop wasting time leaving people behind to further a pointless romance subplot and just get to Erebor?" Bilbo asked over the sound of Fili and Kili squealing about braids and Taylor Lautner.

"Very well. Onwards!" Thorin commanded. "Let us fulfill this prophecy that will probably set the lake on fire but who cares? Any place where water burns deserves to sink." Many accusing eyes turned to Detroit.

And they were off. The nine companions (plus Bilbo), the Fellowship of the Ring I mean dwarves, or Arkenstone, or something, had begun their quest to Mordor I mean Erebor.

*BUMMM BUM BUM BUMM BUM BUM BUMMM BUM BUM BUMM BUM BUM BUMM BUM BUM BUMM BUMM BUMM BUMMM*

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to give a quick thank you to everyone who is reading this and double thanks to everyone who has left nice comments! :) I really appreciate it.


	13. Bilbo is SO Done

Chapter 13

While the nine dwarves (plus Bilbo) were fellowshipping up to the mountain, Fili, Kili, Oin, and Bofur went to Bard's house to seek medical help. They'd all forgotten about the poisonous arrow in his leg until Kili had a seizure and starting screaming about discounted shoe prices.

Bard tried to close the door in their faces.

"Please!" Bofur pleaded. "You have to help us, no one else will let us in!"

"How does that even make any sense?" Bard asked. "Everyone loves dwarves now, except for me." He turned to Fili and Kili. "Your uncle is an asshole."

Bofur used his pimpin' hat to get them inside. You wanna know how? Everything will be explained in the afterlife.

Meanwhile, the other dwarves (+Bilbs) were standing on a ridge above Dale.

“What the hell is this place?” Bilbo asked. “There’s, like, rocks and shit.”

“It was once the city of Dale,” Balin replied. “Now it is a ruin. The Desolation of Smaug.”

Everyone jumped as the words ‘The Desolation of Smaug’ appeared in the air in a nice font. “What the hell is that? Where did it come from?”

Eventually the words faded away and everyone pretended it never happened.

Thorin stabbed his sword in the dirt, which is actually something you’re not supposed to do. “Aight folks so we have to find this door thingamajig before the sun sets. Elsewise all that we’ve ever worked for will be for naught.”

“Hey, weren’t we supposed to wait for Gan—”

Bilbo was cut off as all the dwarves trampled him, yelling, “EYYYYYYY!”

It was a good time.

-In Dol Guldur-

"Dol Guldur: The Hill of Sorcery," Gandalf announced. "More like…more like…Dumb Guldur! That hill is ugly af.  
"It looks like my favorite pair of pants," Radagast said.  
"That's an enchantment. Those sons of bitches are hiding in there somewhere…I can smell their lack of swag." Gandalf narrowed his eyes, slowly lowering his shutter shades.  
"Did I ever tell you the story behind those pants? It was a dark and stormy night, when my alarm woke me up. It was the year 2006, and the Fire Nation had just attacked…"  
"Radagast, for the love of god, just leave me be," Gandalf said. "I'm going in."  
"Okay, bye!" Radagast immediately got high on mushrooms.  
Gandalf turned his staff onto 300% disco ball dubstep mode and began walking around Dol Guldur.  
In another part of Dol Guldur, Azog was lurking with his orc and warg homies.  
"Ze weezard has come," he announced unnecessarily. Everyone knew who it was; there was only one person in Middle Earth licensed to play dubstep publicly. Azog cracked his knuckles, holding back tears as something audibly snapped. “Let him come.”

Meanwhile, searching for the secret entrance to Erebor.

"I'm hungry, did we forget to bring food?" Bombur whined.

"THERE IS NO FOOD, ONLY ORI!" you-can-guess-who declaimed. Lightning blazed in the background and was immediately conducted to Oin. Everyone heard a scream from Laketown.

"Keep searching!" Thorin commanded.

They all started searching the ground, because a secret entrance to a mountain would definitely be in the ground outside of said mountain. Bilbo was the only one with any goddamn sense and soon spotted the giant freaking puzzle zig zag staircase dwarf statue leading to the secret entrance.

"It's up there!" The hobbit pointed.

"You have keen eyes, Master Baggins," Thorin praised.

"Or maybe I just have some common fucking sense."

"BEHOLD!" Ori screamed. "I HAVE FOUND THE SECRET ENTRANCE!" He pointed dramatically to the puzzle zig zag stairs. Everyone immediately started praising Ori, hoisting him up and carrying him to the staircase amidst cheers and alcohol (supplied by Dwalin). Bilbo stared after them, quietly swearing Martin Freeman style.

It was beginning to near sunset when they finished climbing the staircase.

"Something about birds knocking, keyholes, something something last light of Durin's Day," Thorin recited the prophecy thing.

"Start looking for a keyhole!" Balin ordered.

The asshole special effects team started making time go faster, the sun setting twice as fast. Dwalin got so nervous he started sweating alcohol.

All the dwarves were scrambling around the wall, sticking their fingers and the key and various weapons/mining tools into its crevices. Bilbo stood by, thinking of several innuendos that could be made at this point.

The last rays of light disappeared from the wall.

"It's too late, lad," Balin told Thorin. "Let's just go home."

Thorin shrugged. "Might as well. After all of our near-death experiences, I suddenly feel like giving up my birthright."

"Wait, so we're just giving up?" Bilbo was astounded on an entirely new level.

"Unfortunately, yes. It's not like we could actually look for the keyhole without the light. That'd take way too much time," Balin replied.

The dwarves (minus Bilbo) all left. Bilbo remembered getting sneezed on by trolls, falling down a cave in Goblin Town, getting spiderwebbed by spiderwebs, and almost drowning in a barrel. He furiously flipped off the retreating company, Martin Freeman style.

-5 min. later-

"Oh, what a clever puzzle!" Bilbo cackled. The keyhole had been revealed by the moonlight. "I wonder if all great dwarf kingdoms are guarded by such difficult riddles."

The sound of Moria being ransacked echoed in the distance.

Bilbo held up the key. "Now I just have to—" He was immediately trampled by the other dwarves. Thorin snatched the key from him and shoved it into the keyhole. The door opened.

"Good work, guys! Time to celebrate!" Dwalin popped open a bottle of wine and inhaled it.

"Okay, Bilbo. We need you to go get the Arkenstone now," Balin told the hobbit.

"There is no way in hell I am doing anything else for you guys! After all you've put me through, I have half a mind to walk straight back to Hobbiton, get drunk out of my mind, probably walk into a few walls, and forget this ever happened! You've all done absolutely nothing to earn my respect or loyalty other than saving my ass a few times and I'm honestly not ready to deal with any more burglaring!"

"But you're gonna go get the Arkenstone, right?" Balin asked.

"…Yeah."

-At the B-man’s House-

Kili moaned and flung an arm over his face. “I’m suffering my ASS off over here. Get me medicine! And Starbucks!”

“We would need some kingsfoil to heal him,” said Oin, and braced himself for the worst. Surprisingly, thing fell on/stabbed/incinerated him.

Bard shrugged. “Kingsfoil is a weed. We feed it to the pigs.”

Bofur stood up. “Pigs? Weed? Oh my god, guys, okay, hear me out: a bacon and marijuana sandwich.”

Kili started screaming at them to do things, so Bofur had to leave to go get Kingsfoil. A chair started bashing Oin over the head.

-Meanwhile in Rock Rock Place-

Balin led Bilbo through a tunnel to where the rest of Erebor was.

“So...you want me to find a white gem down there?” Bilbo asked.

“Yeah! It shouldn’t be that hard, there’s only, like, five pieces of treasure down there.” Balin chuckled and tried to look innocent.

“I get the feeling you’re massively underestimating, but I honestly don’t care at this point.”

“Okay, well...if you do find a dragon down there, can I have your credit card just in case? So your savings don’t go to waste?”

“Why the fuck not?” Bilbo gave Balin his Visa card.

“Thanks!” Grinning widely, Balin began walking away, starting to run once he had turned the corner.

“Okay...bye…”

-Over in Diggy D Guldur-

Gandalf was somehow singing along to the dubstep when Azog attacked.

"360 NOSCOPE!" the orc screamed, bashing Gandalf with his mace. Except the mace somehow flew up the ass of the nearest warg because NOONE HITS GANDALF YA FOOL!

Azog cackled anyway, to try to salvage his dignity. "You have come too late, weezard! Eet ees done!"

A few orcs pulled a cloth down, revealing a giant, spike-covered machine. No one commented on the fact that it was painted hot pink.

"We weell use thees machine to absorb all ze vodka in Meedle Earth!" Azog cackled.

Over in Erebor, Dwalin felt strangely violated and angry.

Gandalf killed about twenty orcs with pure awesomeness alone. "Enough attacking! Where is your master?"

"Join our sniper clan!" Azog demanded for no reason.

"Okay but seriously, where is your master?"

"He is everywhere!" the pale orc cackled.

"That means he could literally be up your ass right this second," Gandalf pointed out.

There was an awkward silence.

"Your sniper clan sucks!" Gandalf threw like a million glitter bombs and disappeared in a shower of amazingness. He ended up in some random bridge area and high fived himself for that awesome escape.

"There is no light, Wizard…that can defeat darkness," the Necromancer hissed in a sexy Benedict Cumberbatch voice.

Gandalf squealed and clawed at his beard, but it was only Lindir's eyes in there. "Where the hell are you, Necromancer?"

"Here, there, and everywhere…" the Necromancer did a nice solo of that one Paul McCartney song.

"Nice!" Gandalf applauded. "But I'm still gonna kick your ass." He made a shield out of pure dubstep and neon to combat the Necromancer.

"Bet you won't see that coming," the dark spirit pointed out.

"See what coming?"

"This!" with a powerful grunt, the Necromancer turned into Sauron, a tall figure wearing dark armor. The camera zoomed in on the figure until it became a fiery eye, which zoomed in on that until it was the armor again, and so on. This went on for like fifteen minutes, Meghan Trainor music playing in the background all the while.

"Noooooo!" Gandalf collapsed. "Saruman!"

The zooming in stopped.

"What did you just call me?"

"Wait, not Saruman. What is your name again?"

The fiery eye stared. "Are you serious?"

"Hey, I'm pretty old, I don't remember this kind of stuff! Is it Spock?"

"No."

"Sauerkraut?"

"No."

"Sandra Bullock."

"What the hell?"

"Southwest Airlines! Saudi Arabia! Suarez!"

Sauron held up a nametag, but the font was too small.

"What does that say? Samwise Gamgee? Sour grapes? Shop Rite?"

Sauron screamed in frustration.

"Haha, I'm just screwing with you, man! Everyone knows who Morgoth is!"

Gandalf was knocked out by more zooming in and Sauron broke his staff, then went off to go deal with identity crisis.

-Meanwhile-

Bilbo burglared into Erebor, sneaking and humming the James Bond theme. He was wondering if they even had any treasures in these dark halls when he fell into literally square miles of treasure. There was so much gold and other shiny stuff that if you were to take all of it and fit it into the Vatican City, all of its inhabitants would be crushed because gold is very heavy.

But if you were to divide all the jewels from the gold and put all the jewels in Mirkwood, you'd probably never see any of them again because Silvan elves are greedy assholes. Also, it would take a hella long time to sort all the gold from jewels and anyone who does so probably has no life *LOUD COUGHING* all dwarves *LOUD COUGHING*

Speaking of a hella long time, Bilbo was faced with the task of somehow finding an obscure white jewel in literally square miles of treasure and oh, look, it's right over there.

Bilbo went to go grab it but somehow started a band along the way, set off some fireworks, played the THX opening sequence, and launched a space shuttle.

Smaug woke up.

"WHO DISTURBS ME FROM MY SLUMBER?" Smaug said in a loud-ish dragon voice that was also extremely deep and sexy.

"Wait, how were you breathing under all that gold?" Bilbo wondered.

"It's for a case, John!" Smaug snapped.

"What?" Bilbo took off the ring for LITERALLY NO REASON.

"HA! I tricked you, bitch! But instead of killing you right away, I'm going to talk about things!"

Bilbo looked the Arkenstone, which was like twenty feet away. "Yass!"

"…Your haircut, the way you hold yourself, says military. But your conversation as you entered the room said trained at Bart's, so army doctor. Obvious. Your face is tanned, but no tan above the wrists: you've been abroad but not sunbathing. The limp's really bad when you walk, but you don't ask for a chair when you stand, like you've forgotten about it, so it's at least partly psychosomatic. That says the original circumstances of the injury were probably traumatic—hey! Pay attention to me!" Smaug roared, shaking the entire mountain. The Arkenstone bounced away. Bilbo bounced after it.

"Waitwaitwait don't kill me yet, O Smaug the, uh, hella rad!" Bilbo held his hands up, trying to placate the raging consulting dragon (dat save tho).

"You think flattery will keep you alive? I already know why you've come into this place, I can smell Thorin's aftershave on you!" This remark left several suggestive/suspicious possibilities hanging in the air, none of which will be explored unless you head on over to AO3.

Smaug raised his head to breathe fire and let out a giant… cliffhanger!


	14. 221big ass dragon

Chapter 14

Smaug’s bitch ass temper tantrum sent rumbly rumbles all throughout the mountain and even down to Laketown. How they felt the shaking I have no idea, since they're supposed to be floating on the water or some shit.

“Dad, are we going to die?” said ~ (geddit? tilde, Tilda…)

“No way, homie!” Bard pulled out a humongous machine gun that had blenders taped to the sides. “It’s goin down 2nite in Laketown!”

Meanwhile, it was really going down in Erebor.

“The King under the Mountain is dead!” Smaug was shooting the wall with a grenade launcher, which was a probable cause for all the earthquakes and stuff.

Bilbo was trying to run away, which wasn’t that effective since one of Smaug’s steps was like fifty of the hobbit’s. “STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE!”

Smaug cackled. “No blade can pierce me!”

Bard held up the black arrow. “And that’s where you’re wrong, bitch!”

Bain gave him a weird look. “Who are you talking to?”

A few guards spotted them and started running towards them. “There he is! Get him!”

“Shit!” Bard shoved the black arrow at his son, nearly impaling his face. “Hide this! I’ll draw them off!”

Once Bard was gone, Bain shrugged and tossed the arrow into the lake. “This should be fine.”

-Outside the Mountain-

The dwarves had felt the rumbly tumbly earthquake too.

“Should we, like, see if Bilbo is still alive?” Nori said.

“Or we could wait until he dies and loot his corpse.” Thorin laughed maniacally for several minutes. All the other dwarves looked into the camera.

-Meanwhile-

"Holy crap, I'm gonna need a lot of eagles to get outta this one," Gandalf commented. He was hanging in a giant spiky cage thing after losing a battle with Sauron and Azog. He watched a giant-ass army of evil people march out of Dol Guldur. "Hella lot of eagles."

-MEAnWHile-

Kili was making childbirth-type noises due to being poisoned by a Morgul shaft as well as overexposure to Alfrid's unibrow.

Not to mention there were also orcs in Bard's house, who were stabbing everything. Bard had left the rest of his children to cower and scream under the table.

Legolas and Tauriel arrived 15 minutes late with Starbucks. "What did we miss?"

"We are attacking this house!" one of the orcs shouted.

Legolas and Tauriel killed all the orcs and Legolas left to go kill other things. Tauriel gave Kili her swag-infused Starbucks and he was revived.

"Do you think he ever could have loved me?" Kili asked.

Tauriel was confused. "What?"

"Taylor Lautner, of course!"

"OMGGGGG!" They both started fangirling over Taylor Lautner.

Meanwhile, Legolas found Bolg and started beating him up.

"I came out to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now!" Bolg confessed tearfully, riding away on his warg.

Legolas noticed his nose was bleeding. "omg," he said. It was totally messing up his foundation. "omg." He decided to chase after Bolg and show that son of a bitch what happens to people who mess up his foundation.

-Elsewise-

"DIE DIE DIE," Smaug roared, chasing after Bilbo. The hobbit rounded a corner and ran straight into Thorin.

"Did you find the Arkenstone? Where is the Arkenstone?" Thorin demanded.

"We don't really have time for that!" Bilbo exclaimed. "Smaug is—"

Said dragon lumbered into the room. "Thorin! Long time no see amiright?"

Thorin suggested that Smaug do something anatomically improbable, especially for a dragon.

"Oh, is that how it is? Well it looks like Oakenshield is about to become Smokinshield!" Smaug laughed at his own joke for several minutes, giving Thorin and Bilbo time to escape.

They met up with the others in a room full of dusty dwarf corpses.

Thorin decided it was time for a motivational speech. "I will not die like my kin!" He declared. "We will work together to get out of here and beat Smaug's ass, though not necessarily in that order! If this is to end in fire, then we shall all burn together!"

"Nah, son. I'm out." Bombur rolled away.

"…Ok. Well, the rest of you, here's what we're gonna do…"

Somehow what ended up happening was the dwarves sneaking around Erebor while Smaug crawled around literally overhead and somehow couldn't smell them or anything.

Then, of course, Oin sneezed hella loud. Smaug roared and started charging up his fire blast. Everyone pummeled Oin and then split up into groups and hauled ass. No one stopped to wonder why Oin was in Erebor when he was supposed to be in Laketown.

A bunch of things happened. Thorin ended up on Smaug's nose. Bifur and Gloin ended up in these cart things suspended by wires. Dori ended up in Madagascar. Nori, Ori, Dwalin, and Balin got bored and went out for drinks.

"This isn't working!" Thorin snarled, having been almost incinerated like 80 times. "Regroup!"

It turned out that just Bilbo was left.

"We are screwed!" Thorin declared.

Bilbo was offended, as usual.

"We need more allies!" Thorin declared. "In Lord of the Rings: The Battle for Middle Earth you need five people to defeat a dragon. And we only have 1.6!"

"How the hell can you have .6 of a person?" Bilbo asked.

"You don't count as a whole person."

Bilbo punched him in the face.

In the end they teamed up with the Avengers to take down Smaug. Thorin had some crazy-ass idea to light the forges, so everyone was pulling levers and working bellows and throwing pointless fire bombs at Smaug.

Thorin took a metal wheelbarrow and pushed it into a river of molten gold. He started gold-surfing on the wheelbarrow, which would have been totally badass if he'd been going faster than 3 mph and also he was sort of melting from the heat.

"Keep going, Bilbo!" he commanded.

"What is even going on?" Bilbo was really, really confused.

Long story short, they ended up in this huge room with an iron mold for a statue of Thror at one end.

"YOU SONS OF BITCHES THINK YOU CAN DEFEAT ME?" Smaug roared. "I AM SMAUG THE STUPENDOUS! I HAVE AN INTERNATIONAL REPUTATION! I DID THE MOTION CAPTURE!"

"Actually, yes," Thorin declared.

Iron Man pulled this random chain that caused the statue mold to fall apart, covering Smaug in molten gold.

"FLJBALDBJLABKGALKBJ!" Smaug collapsed into the pool of gold.

The bee from the Honey Nut Cheerios commercial appeared out of nowhere. He hovered over the still-molten gold. "This honey looks great for Honey Nut Cheerios!"

"Actually, that's not—" There was a faint sizzling sound.

"WOO! WE BEAT HIM!" Thorin cheered from the other side of the room. "I'd like to thank the academy—"

Smaug emerged from the gold. "Surprise bitch! Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me!" he cackled, flying fabulously into the night.

"I am fire."

"I am death."

(And the address is 221b Baker Street.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for being meme trash


	15. SMAAAAUUUGGG

Chapter 15

People screamed. Alarms blared. Nicolas Cage was very silent.

Smaug had come.

And he was flamin' mad. (haha get it because he literally set the whole town on fire)

"Hurry up!" the master of Laketown barked at his guards. "We need to get all this gold out before we are burned to death or possibly crushed by the dragon falling on top of us!" Everyone laughed heartily at that last ridiculous scenario.

"What about the actual people in this town?" one of the guards suggested.

"Screw the people in this town!" the master cried. "Screw everyone!"

"Don't screw everyone, that's disgusting." The guard's face promptly caught on fire and everyone ignored him.

Soon, the master and Alfrid were on a barge filled with gold and sailing at a stunning 2 mph through a burning Laketown.

"Help us!" Several people tried to climb on the barge.

"GTFO!" Alfrid warded them away with his unibrow.

"We're sinking! The barge is too heavy!" the master cried.

"You could try throwing the gold overboard. Since, you know, gold is heavy and all," Alfrid suggested.

"Silly unibrow man!" the master chuckled. "Weight hasn't been discovered yet and therefore doesn't apply to us!"

Alfrid's unibrow twitched. "What?" The master pushed him over the side of the barge with his beer belly.

Meanwhile, Bard was stuck in a prison for some reason.

"BRUH LET ME OUT!" he screamed, rattling the bars.

Suddenly, an A+ idea came to him. He took off his pants, then his underwear. Underneath that was another pair of underwear. He took that off too, and the pair underneath that. Soon he had enough underwear to tie together and make a rope.

"Thank god. My ass was getting hot in there."

He made a noose and threw it out the window, accidentally strangling the master of Laketown, who was passing underneath.

"RONALDMCDONALDSAVEME!" the master cried.

The master was so fat that he ended up pulling the underwear rope and the window it was tied to with him, giving Bard a chance to escape.

"SUCK MY ASS, YA FAT FRENCH FRY!"

Then Bard went into the armory, got a grenade launcher, and shot Smaug in the face.

The dragon didn't die.

"WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DID YOU JUST SHOOT ME IN THE FACE WITH A GRENADE LAUNCHER?" Smaug roared.

"I'm your worst nightmare!" Bard answered, striking an intimidating pose. This was slightly negated by the fact that he had no pants on. The bowman hopped into a Boeing AH-64 and fired missiles at Smaug, shoved a nuclear bomb down his throat, punched him in the face, and set fire to his dragon dick.

Smaug still didn't die. "Pathetic," the dragon muttered as Bard began smashing into him with a Jaeger.

"DIE BROTHA DIE!"

Just then Khan appeared and crushed Smaug's skull. The dragon died and landed on the master, crushing him. In a distant land, Benedict Cumberbatch woke up in a cold sweat.

Bain walked up. "Would that technically count as suicide?"

"Dafuq you doin' here Benjamin?"

"Bain."

"Whatever."

-Later-

"Gurl I can't BELIEVE that went down!" Kili took a selfie with a half-drowned Laketown resident. He, Fili, Bofur, Oin, and Tauriel had stolen Bard's boat and escaped Laketown, bringing a screaming Tilda and Sigrid with them.

Nobody noticed that Oin was still on fire.

Kili agreed to go shopping later with Tauriel, and was about to make a move (wink wonk), but got totally cockblocked by Legolas, who shot Oin in the face.

"Come on, Tauriel! We have to go to Gundabad!"

"Why?"

"Because that wasn't in the book!"

"Fair enough."

Meanwhile, Bard was tryna get the wailing Laketown residents to shut the hell up.

"STFU!" he yelled at a random guy who was missing both legs and screaming about gas prices. "Be a man!"

"Be a woman! Gender equality!" shouted someone from the crowd.

"Why you tryna act all kingly anyway?" shouted another random person. "You're just a homeless dude like the rest of us!"

"I saw him kill the dragon!" declared an old guy who looked suspiciously like the old guy from Happy Wheels. "He took a black arrow and eiehehhhhhh!" The old man was run through with a harpoon launcher and dragged away.

Bard just decided to go along with it. "I put a cap in that dragon's ass! You wanna fight me?"

Alfrid stepped beside Bard. "Yeah! Anyone want to fight him?" He was immediately stoned to death with frozen elephant testicles.

"What do we do now?" a random person asked Bard, who had apparently been elected leader.

"We find food. NO NOT THOSE!" he yelled as several citizens went to go pick up the now melting elephant nuts. "Forget it. We might as well get drunk out of our minds and wait for winter to claim our miserable, homeless asses."

-In Dol Guldur-

Gandalf was massively hungover. An orc who had stayed behind instead of marching to Erebor was trying to punch the wizard, but kept missing because NO ONE PUNCHES GANDALF.

Just then, Galadriel walked in, not wearing any shoes because yolo.

Galadriel Mike Tyson'd the orc, meaning he no longer had a left ear, then punched the orc repeatedly.

"Suck my elven ass!" She somehow picked up Gandalf bridal style and started walking out of Dol Guldur.

An ominous voice started chanting.

"Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, six for the Dwarf-lords…no, wait, seven for the Dwarf-lords under the mountain—"

"It's 'in their halls of stone', you idiot! Let me read it—"

"I pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United States of America…"

"Подивіться на це особа, ви подивіться, як мій наступний помилку!"

"Shut the hell up!" Galadriel roundhouse-kicked the nearest ringwraith in the face. All of them fell silent.

"Oh no she di-n't…"

Gandalf regained consciousness. "?" he said.

Galadriel dropped the wizard on his head and used her giant man-muscles to beat up the ringwraiths. Elrond and Saruman came to help too.

"Hi-ya!" Saruman said, swinging his staff and 'accidentally' missing the ringwraith. "Look at me, totally fighting these foul beasts! I'm like not on their side or anything hahaahh…."

Eventually stuff happened, and Galadriel, Saruman, and Elrond were all whaling on one ringwraith while the other eight cheered them on and made bets.

"FINISH HIM!"

Galadriel used a baseball bat to send the ringwraith flying off into space, Team Rocket style.

"FATALITY!"

Sauron flamed into view. "The party don't start till I flame—"

"GTFO!" Galadriel turned into a special effects nightmare and kicked Sauron's flamey ass all the way to Mordor.

Just then, Celeborn rushed in, clutching a promotional photo of Galadriel and Gandalf holding hands. "Tell me, where is Gandalf, for I MUCH desire to speak with him."


	16. Guess Who's Back

Chapter 16

It took Fili, Kili, Bofur, and Oin a surprisingly short amount of time to get to Erebor. Except it wasn't actually Erebor. They'd gone in the opposite direction.

"We probably shouldn't have let Bofur lead us," Fili commented as the still-high dwarf knocked on one of the Mirkwood trees.

"helaaAwww? Thorin, letus in! Lettuce inn! hahahah cabbage hotel!" Bofur passed out and everyone beat up Oin.

Eventually they got to Erebor. When they walked in they were met with a huge, red, scaly surprise.

No, not Vladmir Putin. It was Smaug.

"Smaug?!" Fili exclaimed.

"Smaug?!" Oin exclaimed.

"Gurl?!" Kili exclaimed.

"ALCOHOL?!" Dwalin roared, taking several shots.

"Yes, yes, what? and no," the dragon answered all of their questions collectively.

"We saw you die?" Bofur said/asked/declared/screamed.

"Nah, that was my cousin Mushu. I was taking a nap in the back."

"What did you do to the rest of the Company?"

"I ate them," the dragon answered, picking his teeth with what looked like a femur.

Bilbo hit Smaug in the back of the head with a chair. "Shut up, Sherlock!" He turned to the others. "Turns out Smaug doesn't actually want to kill us."

"I don't need any of this gold. I've invested in stocks long enough to have ten times the wealth in this mountain," Smaug hissed.

"Is that even possible?"

"No. I just murdered Bill Gates and took his money."

"Anyways, we all have to leave here immediately!" Bilbo exclaimed. "Thorin took one look at the gold and went completely insane. He won't leave the treasury."

"Where are the others?"

"Getting rid of all the syringes in the mountain."

There was a long silence. "Don't tell me Thorin…"

"Yep."

"He really tried to…"

“Yep.”

"With the liquid gold?"

"Yep."

"We should probably get…"

"Yep."

"STOP DOING THA…"

"Yep."

-Elsewhere-

Legolas and Tauriel were hiding behind some rocks, scouting out a weird-shaped fortress.

"Haha, it looks like the Flatiron Building mated with a bunch of Doritos," Tauriel commented.

"That's actually not funny, my mother died here."

"Sorry…"

"No haha it actually looks pretty stupid," Legolas agreed, expressionless as usual. "Let's wait until nightfall, because orcs only come out at night."

-Meanwhile-

Azog's army was marching in broad daylight. The pale orc had replaced his egg-beater arm extension for a larger version of a Swiss Army knife, which contained a sword extension, a spatula extension, a satellite extension, and Bill Clinton’s rotting corpse.

"Halt!" Azog cried upon seeing a figure riding up to them.

The orcs in the front stopped, but the ones in the back were too stoned and bumped into the ones in front, knocking everyone over.

Azog facepalmed, accidentally stabbing himself in the face.

Bolg finally reached the army. "Father! I have news!"

"Vhat ees eet?" Azog pulled his sword arm out of his face.

"I am your son!"

"…Yes."

"Also, I battled some elves in Laketown! But they escaped! And are currently still alive!"

"You fool! They will be bringing an army with them."

"Then we should prepare for battle!"

"Get ya ass to Gundabad and leave the rest to me.” Azog evilly rubbed his hands together, which didn’t really work since one of his hands was actually a sword. “Damn, I should probably get something less sharp to replace my arm.”

-In Dale-

Things weren't going too well with the Laketown survivors. Turns out there was no alcohol, so no one could actually get drunk, and there weren't enough food and blankets to keep everyone alive for the winter. And there was no WiFi.

Bard was typing into a calculator, trying to figure out how much food they would need to survive the season. "Let's see…there's five hundred people in this town, times eighty days until Santa comes, times three meals a day…"

A random guy walked up. He was using his hands to walk.

"Dafuq you doin' homie?" Bard sighed. Everyone still thought he was leader and kept coming up to him with random problems.

"Both of my legs are missing!" Indeed they were.

"But you can walk on your hands. That's freaking awesome."

"But if my hands are my feet, what will replace my hands? How will I be able to carry my weight?"

"Do I look like a scienticianist to you? Just use your eyeballs, I don't give a crap."

"Thanks, Bard!" The man hand-walked away.

Bard went back to his calculator. "So that equals to 120,000,000 McDonalds we'll have to find and raid. Shouldn't be too hard.

"Or…I could find a cave with a vampire in it and drink his blood, therefore becoming a vampire myself and using my powers to stop the advancing Turkish army before my son is enslaved to their sultan! That could work too."

Alfrid waved him up to the top of a wall. “Look! The braziers are lit! Gondor calls for aid!”

“Wrong movie,” Bard said. “Wait, didn’t you die last chapter?”

“Are you seriously questioning the continuity of the plot right now?”

“Eh.” Bard shrugged. “Well, keep an eye out on those assholes. Wouldn’t want anyone sneaking in during the night.”

-The Next Morning-

Bard facepalmed through his skull. “Are you fucking kidding me?” There was an army of elves in Dale.

Thranduil swagged in on his moose-elk-thing. "Eyooooooo! I've brought all the supplies you will need." A couple of wagons rolled in, filled with lettuce, water, and WiFi routers.

"You expect us to go on a salad girl diet?"

"Well, yeah. The average weight of a Laketown citizen is like 500 pounds, so…"

"That's not true. The Master of Laketown, who weighs 9,000 pounds, is an outlier and should not be counted."

"I actually don't care. I've come to reclaim something of mine."

"What?"

"The Orb."

Bard decided not to ask.

-In Erebor-

"How are we supposed to find the Arkenstone?" Nori complained. "There's literally square miles of gold here. It could be anywhere!"

"Keep searching!" Thorin roared. "It is in here somewhere!"

"We could use this!" Dori held up a device. "It's a locator!"

"That's an iPod with knives taped to it."

" **No, it's a locator**. Once we turn it on, a magnetic pulse will attract anything rocky or metal in this room!"

"That's actually a terrible idea. Please don't—"

Dori had already turned on the machine and was buried in a landslide of gold. So a goldslide.

"Well, something like that was bound to happen eventually."

"Let it be known," Thorin announced, climbing on top of the pile of gold Dori had disappeared under. "If anyone should find the Arkenstone, and withhold it from me…I will smash your head open with the Arkenstone."

"But how will you do that if they're withholding the Arkenstone?" Bombur asked.

"DONT' ASK QUESTIONS!" Thorin screamed. "Sorry I didn't work out the minutiae of my revenge plan! Why does everyone expect me to do everything? It's not like I'm the king of this mountain!"

Meanwhile, Bilbo was sweating bullets. In case you haven't guessed by now, he had the Arkenstone in his pocket. And he still hadn't given Gandalf his Visa card from like 10 chapters ago.

"Smaug! Do you know where the Arkenstone is?" Thorin demanded.

"Yeah." The dragon had draped himself on another pile of gold and was playing Monopoly with Balin and Gloin.

"Well, where is it?"

"Here." Smaug handed him a piece of paper. "This is a list of clues that will lead you to the Arkenstone. Have fun, asshole." Thorin ran off without another word.


	17. The No Shouting Rule

Chapter 17

"You want us to do what?"

"I need you to dig holes underground from here to Erebor," Azog repeated, having mysteriously lost his German/Russian accent. He was talking with a couple of wereworms on a random hill, trying to convince them to join his cause.

The two gigantic monsters were playing Words with Friends. Wereworm #1 tried to spell 'ashtray' but ended up crushing the computer with his gigantic mouth since he didn't have any hands. "Dammit. Happens every time."

"So if we dig this hole, what's in it for us?" wereworm #2 asked.

"Well…what do you guys want?"

"I like scissors!" said wereworm #1.

"Shut the hell up, Steve. You know, we could really do with some gold."

Azog smiled evilly. "I think something can be arranged."

-In Erebor-

"Okay!" Thorin held the list Smaug had given him, ready to start his adventure. "Time to find the Arkenstone!

"Alright…Clue 1: To the left." Thorin stepped to the left. "Clue 2: Take it back now y'all." Thorin took it back now y'all. "Clue Three: One hop this time." One hop was performed. "Clue Four: Right foot let's stomp." You can guess what happened. "Clue Five: Left foot let's stomp." A stomp happened. But before Thorin could cha cha now y'all...

"I, ORI, GROW IMPATIENT WITH THIS NONSENSE!" Ori shouted. He snatched the paper out of Thorin's hands and began to read it but the dark-haired dwarf instantly went insane, letting out microwave noises and beating Ori over the head with a lamp.

"THAT'S MY PIECE OF CHEMICALLY ALTERED TREE YOU ASSHOLE!"

"The hell is wrong with him?" Bilbo muttered to Balin.

"Dragon sickness. It is a fierce and jealous—"

Bofur shoved Balin out of the way, finishing his sentence in a loud voice. "IT IS A DISEASE IN WHICH THE PERSON BEING DIAGNOSED HAS AN UNCONTROLLABLE ADDICTION—"

"EVERYONE STOP SHOUTING, I HAVE A HANGOVER," Dwalin screamed from the other side of the room.

"YEAH GUYS, STOP SHOUTING!" Thorin shouted. "HENCEFORTH NO ONE SHALL SHOUT IN THE KINGDOM OF EREBOR. NOT A SINGLE PERSON. THAT'S IT. WE'RE DONE SHOUTING. NO MORE. IT ENDS HERE. THIS IS THE LAST TIME A SINGLE SHOUT SHALL ECHO THROUGH THESE HALLS. THE END. ON THE COUNT OF THREE THERE SHALL BE NO MORE SHOUTS. ONE, TWO—"

Smaug hit Thorin into a wall, silencing the dwarf.

"You're all idiots," the dragon hissed. "How exactly did you make it this far?"

"KILLING!" Bifur snarled as he crushed a random skull with his bare hands.

"Braiding!"

"Fashion and swag, gurl!"

"Lemons!"

"MY AWESOME SKILLS, YO!"

"Not Balin."

"ALCOHOL!"

"Not Bofur."

"Pure dumb luck."

"What do you mean, 'not Bofur'? You wanna go?" Balin and Bofur started a fist fight.

And now let's cut away from these idiots to a very heterosexual scene between Thorin and Bilbo.

"What's that in your hand? Show it to me!"

"I DIDN'T DO IT, I SWEAR! I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE ARKENSTONE IS!" Bilbo screamed, finally snapping. Everyone shushed him as the mountain gave an ominous rumble.

"The No Shouting Rule from 170 words ago must not be broken," Lindir's eyes whispered from afar.

"I have acorns," Bilbo said in a quieter voice, holding out his palm to show two tiny nuts. How symbolic. "I got it from Beorn's garden."

"And you're gonna plant them when you go back to the Shire? How cute!" Thorin made a uwu expression that was extremely disturbing on the dwarf's face.

"Right…" Bilbo nodded after bleaching his eyes.

Thorin thumped the hobbit hard on the back, causing him to slam face-first into the floor. "Ya know, I'm so glad I can trust you Snilpo! All the rest of the dwarves are probably traitors, but not you, Bolbi!" His eyes narrowed and the room became very dark. " **Not you**."

Bilbo looked into the camera like he was on The Office.

Just then, Dwalin burst in, drenched in alcohol.

"SNE HTE CITY OF DALENS SO FULL OF EVLESE! RAMRON ELVES WONCE BOUNCE AND ARMHEAD!"

Bilbo's eye twitched. "What?"

Thorin growled. "The men of Dale have made an alliance with Thranduil's army."

"And how exactly did you understand that?"

"You smeple have to roragnerer gel letolahay."

"WHAT!?"

-Later-

"MORE STONE!" Thorin shouted. Everyone was currently in the process of filling up the hole Smaug had busted through the front door. Said dragon was making a replica of Minas Tirith with old dwarf skeletons.

"You know, you could help us," Nori said to the dragon. "With building the wall, or you could fly over and kill all the elves."

"I could do that," the dragon hissed back. "But I rather enjoy watching you all look like idiots."

"Says the dragon with fifteen nipples."

"SHUT UP!" Smaug roared, causing the mountain to rumble. A piece of stone fell from the ceiling and hurtled towards Bifur. But at the last second it changed course and smashed into Oin.

"Keep working!" Thorin yelled at Oin. "I want this wall done by…" He counted on his fingers. "Fifty two!"

"Sure thing, boss!" Gloin began to work at a rate that would have the wall done by the year 52 of the Fourth Age. Which was a very slow rate.

"SNEPLE!" Dwalin drunk fell into a pit and disappeared forever.

"Oh my god oh my god ohhhh my god." Bilbo scrubbed his hands over his face, exasperated. "You're all literally useless."

"You're just figuring that out now?"

Kili dropped the wheelbarrow he'd been carrying, which made a sparkling noise for some reason. "Gurl, the people of Laketown have nothing! They've come to us in a time of need, and we should send them some gold over Snapchat! Because you can do that!"

"Nonsense!" Thorin said. "Those that have survived the dragon's attack should rejoice! They have much to be grateful for."

"Say it like it is, son!" Smaug cheered.

"That is actually the worst logic I have ever heard," Nori said.

-In Dale, The Next Day-

"Bruh you seriously gonna go to war over a couple of rocks?" Bard questioned Thranduil.

"Yes. It is the people of my legacy. I am the elevenking." The elf was well on his way to getting completely smashed, hence his language.

"Well, imma go talk to them first. Maybe we don't have to shoot things. Or maybe I'll get to put a CAP IN THEIR ASS!" Bard cackled.

"As in their collective ass? Just one ass for all fourteen people?" a random guy wondered. Then he flew into space and no one ever saw him again.

Bard grabbed a random horse and rode over to Erebor.

"YO!" he called up at the wall. "I wanna talk with whoever's in charge of this pile of rock!"

"That's not very nice," said a disembodied voice that sounded strangely like Steve Buscemi.

Ori appeared at the top of the wall. "YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS HIGH LIEGE OVERLORD. ALSO, I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN USE THE LETTERS 'Y' AND 'O' IN THAT CONSECUTIVE ORDER!"

"Okay…Anyway, I need to talk to—OH MY GOD IT'S SMAUG!" Bard screamed as the dragon poked his head over the wall.

"Ew, it's you," Smaug said. "I don't know who you are, but ew."

"For once I agree," Thorin agreed for once, glaring down at Bard.

The man sighed. "Look, can we just talk?"

Since no one wanted to let Bard up into the kingdom, he and Thorin communicated through a hole in the wall they had built. Thorin was standing on Gloin's shoulders since he was too short to be at eye level.

"Can we have some gold?"

"No."

"Goddammit!" Bard punched the wall. The wall punched him back. "You'll pay for this!"

"But not in gold." Thorin smirked.

"OOOHHHHH WHAT A SICK BURN!" All the dwarves hooted and hollered. Dwalin hoisted Thorin into the air, screaming about coconuts. 'Turn Down for What' played in the background.

"I hate dwarves…" Bard growled.

-Later-

The dwarves were preparing for war. Which meant they were all standing in a circle chanting, “WAR. WAR. WAR. WAR. WOOOOOOO!”

Thorin swagged on into the room. “Alright men, suit up! But I get to be the red Power Ranger!” He threw a mithril vest at Bilbo. “This will protect you in battle.”

“Um. Thanks?”

The lights dimmed. “Put it on.” “Careless Whispers’ started playing in the background.


	18. Thrandu-what?

Chapter 18

Tauriel and Legolas were still camped out in front of Gundabad. Suddenly, a bunch of bats flew out of a cave, making Legolas scream like a girl. He quickly composed himself.

“These bats were bred for only one purpose?”

“What?” Tauriel asked, bored.

“...I don’t fuckin know. But they sure are ugly as hell.” A bat landed in his hair. “AAIIIIIEEEEEEE!”

-Dale-

"Swiggity swag, guess who's back?" Gandalf partied into Dale.

"I don't know, who is back?" a random citizen asked, and was immediately destroyed.

"Oy! You, with the strong eyebrow game!" Alfrid called over to Gandalf. "We don't want no beggars around here! Get lost!"

Gandalf bristled, eyebrow game growing stronger. "You know, back in my day, people treated their elders with more respect. Sure, people dated their sisters, set their kin's boats on fire, cut off peoples' hands, used evil spiders to steal treasure, killed their relatives, killed their friends on accident, blasphemed their own gods, stabbed people in the feet, and kept their children imprisoned in their own forest realm, but at least elders were respected. Can't get any of that now." Then he blasted Alfrid out of Middle Earth.

Bard and Thranduil, who were having a deep discussion about paint cans, turned as Gandalf barged into their command tent.

"Who the hell are you?" Bard asked.

"Why, I am Gandalf!" the wizard announced. "And Gandalf means me. Also, if you spell Gandalf backwards, you get Fladnag, which is the name of my evil orc twin."

"How does that make any sense?"

"What the nuts do you want?" Thranduil asked, still drunk. He poured another glass of wine from Lindir's eyes. Then he poured a glass for Bard and handed it to him. "Here son, have this. You look like my son Orlando Bloom. Son Bloom is my Orlando."

"I've come to warn you about the orc armies approaching from the south!"

"That's bull," Thrandy said. "Orc don't approach. They sliiiiide."

"You should make an alliance with Erebor. For reasons," Gandalf continued.

Thranners sobered up real fast. "Wait what? Erebor? Dwarves?"

"You will need their help in the coming battle!" Gandalf insisted.

"Bull," Thrift Shop repeated. "I had scouts scour the land within a two hundred mile radius. There ain't no orcs. We found some huge-ass holes in the ground, though."

Gandalf was confused. "Where the hell did they go?"

-Underground-

"Hurry up!" Azog whined, poking one of the earth eaters with his sword arm.

"DON'T POKE MY ASSHOLE!" the earth eater screamed, turning around and glaring at him. "We're going as fast as we can! I'd like to see you try and dig a hole through the earth."

Azog crossed his meaty arms. "Is that a challenge?"

Minutes later, the pale orc was cleaning dirt out of most of his orifices whilst holding back tears. The two earth eaters fist bumped using their, um, bodies.

-Erebor-

"I'm too old for this crap," Bilbo grumbled as he climbed down the makeshift wall. Once he was down he snuck through the plains down to Dale, stealthy as an abnormally short ninja with large, hairy feet. It also helped that he had his ring on.

Both elvish and man-ish guards were patrolling the entrances to the city.

"So remember, the king said that if we see anything move outside the city, we should kill it," one the guards told another.

"Why did you just tell me that? I was there when he said it."

"Haha I don't know. Exposition, I guess."

Bilbo saw a sewer hole thought back to that time he had to climb out of a toilet. "Oh, hell no. I'm not gonna go there."

One of the guards perked up. "Did you hear something?"

The hobbit panicked. "Uh, cricket! Cricket! Cricket!"

"Never mind. It's just a grasshopper."

"NO. CRICKET. ONLY CRICKETS MAKE CRICKET NOISES!" came an angry shout.

The guard laughed. "Those silly fireflies."

The other guards would find his eviscerated body in the morning, but enough of that for now.

Bilbo went to go find Gandalf and Co. Meaning the two king buddies and their wizard hobo friend. He found them in a random tent, not entirely on accident because Thranduil's drunken shouting echoed throughout the land.

"Who the hell are you?" the elf asked.

"Hey, it's you again homie!" Bard ruffled the hobbit's hair. The world became very dark as Bilbo glared at him.

"Do that again and I'll end you."

"Bilbo mah boi!" Gandalf fist bumped his abnormally short companion. "What's crackin? What's shaking? What's currently vibrating at impossible speeds?"

"Oin's skeleton, actually. Anyway…" He brought out a small object wrapped in dark cloth. "I brought this." He unwrapped it and…

"A bar of soap," Thrindoul said unnecessarily.

"Oh my god." Bilbo smacked himself on the forehead. "Please don't tell me I left the Arkenstone in the bathroom…"

"Okay," said Thesaurus. "You know, one time my cousin got super drunk and got his forearm stuck in a jar. Just his forearm, not his hand or anything." He stared off wistfully into the distance. "We never did get poor Jingle Jangle out of there…Oh by the way, you left the Arkenstone in the bathroom."

"Crap! I'll be right back."

-A Few Minutes Later-

"What gives you the right to bargain with Arkenstone anyway?" Bard asked once Bilbo had returned with the real thing.

"Huh, I don't know. Maybe the fact that I'm the only one who's done anything on this entire quest to make it happen."

"I DID STUFF TOO!" Bifur screamed inside Erebor. Everyone stared at him, having not heard the previous comment. Bombur slowly, sadly shook his head.

Anyway, back in the tent: "Thorin values this stone above all else," Bilbo said. "You can use it to bargain for whatever treasure you're asking. Then yay, everyone's happy!"

"I'm never happy," Lindir muttered from the ceiling.

"Sounds good to me," Thranye West said, grabbing the stone. Or tried to—he missed and landed on his face, promptly falling asleep.

"Alright, then…"

-Outside the Tent-

"And then I was all, 'Respect your elders! I've been around since the First Age when you were shitting in your diaper! And you weren't even born yet!' That last one was addressed to Bard. But yeah, it was totally sick and if I was in a debate team, I would destroy everyone," Gandalf bragged.

Bilbo nodded, trying to look interested even though he was dying inside.

"So wassup with you? Have you fucked Thorin yet?"

"What?" Bilbo spluttered. "Hell no! Never in my life! That's not even—I don't know, have you slept with Thorin yet? This is an outrage! Never in my life—"

[A casual flashback to Thorin putting the mithril shirt on Bilbo]

"Yeah, okay, shut up."

-The Morning After (haha wink wonk)-

"Get off my lawn, Thranduil!" Thorin shouted down the wall. Said elf, Bard, and a ton of elf soldiers were currently standing on his lawn. The dwarf king took out his bow, aimed it at Thranduil, then threw the bow at him. It went about five feet, missing terribly. Everyone laughed.

"I AIN'T GIVIN YOU NO GOLD!" Thorin shouted over everyone's laughter.

"Really? Not even with…" Bard pulled out the bar of soap. "Crap. I mean…" Then he pulled out the Arkenstone.

"What the hell?"

At that moment, Dori walked out. "Hey guys, what's up? You know, I had a really nice bath last night. I didn't know we had Arkenstone-themed soap in there. It felt really nice on my body…"

Bard screamed and dropped the Arkenstone. Everyone watched as it hit the ground, bounced, and fell into the river in front of Erebor.

A long silence ensued.

"I wish I lived a normal life," Nori said very quietly.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Thorin yelled. It was the loudest yell anyone had ever yelled in the history of yells. In fact, it was so loud that the mountain began to tremble violently. Gloin screamed. Bombur pissed himself. Smaug grumbled and rolled over in his sleep.

The rumbling intensified, and suddenly the mountain rose onto two gigantic mecha legs, two gigantic mecha arms coming out of the sides.

"CODE 69 THE NO SHOUTING RULE WAS BROKEN. EREBOR IS UNDER ATTACK," said the mountain-turned-robot. "I STAND TO SERVE YOU, MY KING."

Thorin grinned. "Oh, fuck yes."


	19. The Battle Begins Terribly

Chapter 19

"I'm out this bitch." Bilbo jumped off the wall situated in the mountain-turned-robot. And consequently broke both his legs. "…That was a really bad idea."

"ATTACK!" Thorin screamed, then realized he didn't know exactly how to work the robot. "Aight gimme a sec I'll be right back." He disappeared into the mountain.

"Can I have my gems?" Thranduil called. He was ignored.

Everyone was distracted by the giant army riding up over one of the hills. Dain had arrived.

"God mronog! Hewe ark wall aple? Yam a wee propane if you woldoy myekye gargle me a front merle of yon soone," the red-haired dwarf said, riding down on his giant pig. "Walk walk ya constable…JACK SORBERT FOOFA?"

Several of the dwarves cheered.

"I'M ORI, YO!" You can guess who said that.

Truńdweels rubbed his forehead. "Okay, I could have sworn I sobered up this morning…"

"No, it's okay, I didn't understand anything he said either," Bard assured the elf, patting his shoulder. The two kings shared a long moment of erotic staring, which was interrupted when Bifur threw a sword at one of the elves, killing him.

The one next to him shrugged. "Just glad it wasn't me."

"I wont nont stack diatomic breafa nony leaf! Nick lasp ta frothy woolley sprack!" Dain continued. "E wack north bree chili prom make pancake. F heple chackle and strop before hem nad me Kanye, I spilt horse phooya heart ostentacious! Sack in helple staniel smicksmack htat!"

"He's clearly mad, like his cousin," Serandweel scoffed.

"Some ice cold shade, my lord." One of the elves bowed.

"GAB TO SHELL YORK, DNA!" Dwalin shouted from the ramparts.

"Ha! I figured out how to work it!" Thorin's voice shouted from the mountain. One of the mecha legs lifted but the robot quickly lost balance and fell on its side, flailing like a turtle with a flailing disorder. The result earthquake nearly killed everyone, but Gandalf was there to stop it.

How did he stop it? Mitosis.

"Y'all decided to have a party without me?" the wizard demanded. "That's bull."

"Someone help!" Thorin cried out from a different place within the mountain. "How do we get back up?"

"We ask nicely!" Dori suggested.

Lindir began to breakdance wildly.

Just then, the two wereworms popped out of the ground where Erebor had once been. "TIME TO SLAY BITC—Wait, I thought there was gold here! You lying bitch ass hoe!" One of the wereworms roundhouse kicked Azog out of the hole and into the air. The Pale Orc flew into orbit and was not seen for a long time.

A man and an elf randomly started a scuffle, which escalated into a fistfight, which then escalated into:

**The Battle of the Five Armies**

"Ok guys let's have a look at the contestants, or in this case, armies!" Gandalf announced to no one in particular. "First off…"

**Dwarves**

Strength: 213, plug Smaug if he ever decides to help

Likes: rocks, alcohol, shiny rocks

Dislikes: elves and Shire-rats

sorry that was rude

Likelihood of winning: 20%, 90% if Smaug helps

"SHUT UP, I'M NOT HELPING!" the dragon yelled, flying away.

**Elves**

Strength: maybe like 1,000

Likes: hair, wine, standing

Dislikes: dwarves and kinslaying

Likelihood of winning: let's go with 60%

**Men**

Strength: 300 ish

Likes: fish and gold

Dislikes: republicans and Alfrid

Likelihood of winning: 50%

**Orcs**

Strength: a lot

Likes: death and arm extensions

Dislikes: everything else

Likelihood of winning: haha u tryna play me son?

**Drake**

Strength: one man. one dream. today.

Likes: the sound of the wind and the rain among many other things

Dislikes: loneliness and burnt pizza

Likelihood of winning: yes

**Wereworms**

Strength:2

Likes: gold and Words with Friends

Dislikes: Azog, who is a lying bitch btw

Likelihood of winning: eh

**The Middle Earth Police**

Strength: like 50 probably

Likes:the law

Dislikes:what is happening right now

Likelihood of winning:3 hunna

"That's actually more than five armies," Nori pointed out, and was ignored.

And then fighting stuff happened. Dain rode forth to beat the orcs. The elves did a Mario jump over the dwarves' heads and fought orcs as well. The men just kinda ran back to Dale, not feelin it. Bilbo's legs were magically repaired.

Azog finally came back down from space and landed on Ravenhill.

"TROOPS IN THE WEST, MOVE FORWARD!" he commanded. No one could hear him since he was standing on a watchtower and his voice wasn't really that loud.

The wereworms watched all this from where Erebor used to be. "Hey, you wanna go get some pizza?"

"Sure."

They left.

Bard and his homies had fortified Dale with wood and the bones of McDonalds employees. They had also tied Alfrid to the front door, and the gross unibrow man was screaming about injustices and republicanism.

"MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!"

"Yeah, yeah, shut up," one of the men grumbled, pouring barbecue sauce on him. The plan was for all the orcs to eat Alfrid and leave the rest of them alone.

What they did not expect was for other orcs to come in through the back door. And the walls. They even had Nazgul dragon things dive bombing around the city.

"Fall back to the market!" Bard commanded.

"The market is overrun, sir!"

"Then fall back to the town square!"

"That's overrun too, sir!"

"Okay…the commercial district! Fall back to that!"

"…That's just another term for market."

Bard scrubbed his hands over his face. "Well, then, we're royally screwed."

"Not with Gandalf, you're not!" the gray wizard partied into Dale, killing orcs as he went. "I have a solution!"

"What?"

"We're going out for drinks!"

“I’m down!” But since Bard did have a little bit of Pure Cinnamon Roll left in him, he made sure all the women and children were safe.

“Look after them, Alfrid, Bain.” He nodded to his two compatriots. Alfrid’s corpse did not respond.

“I’m not Bain, though…” said Bryante.

“Okay, whatever.”

Everyone left.

So now it was just the dwarves and a few elves, as well as a very confused Bilbo who had somehow ended up in Canada.

"Whock Thrap?" Dain said, smashing his forehead into orcs and causing further brain damage to himself. "Wom nackle ouran kebab!"

Speaking of Thorin, which I'm guessing Dain was talking about…

“Thorin, they are dying out there!” Dwalin said, sober for once.

“Yeah, yeah, just gimme a fucking second!” Thorin was trying to figure out how the Erebor-bot worked.

“Well, hurry the fuck up!”

Part of the control center exploded, leaking smoke into the air. Thorin hit the machine. “I AM YOUR KING! DO NOT SPEAK TO ME OF LOSS!” The machine belched out more smoke.

-Later-

"Okay, I think I figured this thing out!"

The dwarf had several (braided) wires and controls hooked up to him, courtesy of Fili, in order to control the mountain-bot. He did a triple backflip, crowd surfed in thin air, and voila, the mountain-bot was standing again!

"HELLS YEAH!"

Everyone cheered. "Let's go kill some orc ass!"

Bifur was way ahead of the game, having jumped onto the battlefield and slaughtered like 500 orcs in the span of three minutes.

The other dwarves (minus Thorin, who was controlling the bot) followed suit. Several of them broke their legs from jumping from such an enormous height, but it doesn't matter.

Erebor-bot began marching toward Ravenhill.

Dain looked up after head butting another orc. "Thorpil, wrock app yon gsnoing?" An orc took this opportunity to stab the dwarf in the face, but it didn't affect him since he was a main character.

Thorin glared in determination at a random wall. "I'm going to cut the head off the Snape." No one was there to question what that even meant, but we're going to assume he meant Azog.

And after a ten minute montage of Erebor walking to the beat of "Eye of the Tiger", the chapter finally ended—


	20. I Don't Even Know

Chapter 20

Legolas and Tauriel finally came back on a horse. They rode to Dale and almost smashed into Gandalf. Fortunately, he was a wizard so they ended up crashing into a building instead. The weakened structure crumbled, killing all inside.

"Whatever." Legolas backflipped off the horse.

"Bolg is leading a second army from Gundabad!" Tauriel reported, but Legolas smacked her upside the head.

"Shut up, Tauriel!" He turned to Gandalf. "Bolg is leading a second army from Gundabad! They are almost upon us."

The gray wizard made a "pffffft" sound for like two and a half hours. "Classic move," he scoffed once he was done. "Distract all the forces here, then sweep in from the north and crush the remaining forces. It'll probably work, though."

"Hey, don't support the other side!" Legolas huffed.

"The north? But Fili, Kili, Thorin, and Dwalin are headed there!" Bilbo exclaimed.

"Yeah, they are."

Five minutes of total silence ensued.

"We should probably do something about that," Gandalf said eventually.

"I'll go and warn them," Bilbo volunteered.

"No, you will not." Gandalf smacked the hobbit on the head with his staff hard enough to give him a sizable bruise. "Okay, now you may go."

"What the HELL was that for?"

The wizard ignored him, crossing something off a list.

Bilbo sighed and left.

-In Another Part of Dale-

"Hey, guys, let's take five!" Thranduil called to his soldiers. By 'five' he meant years, but no one else needed to know that.

Before they could leave, however, Tauriel jumped in front of them. "You will go no further!"

Thranduil took a sassy step forward. All the elves behind him went, "OHHHHHHHHH!"

"The dwarves will die! Kili will never get to use those coupons I gave him!" Tauriel exclaimed.

Throndeol shrugged, sipping from a margarita. "idgaf."

Angrily, the red-headed elf drew her bow, aiming an arrow directly at the elf king's face. "You think your life is worth more than theirs when there is no swag in it?" She narrowed her eyes. "There. Is. No. Swag."

"Preach it gurl!" Kili yelled from the mountains.

Thranduil took her bow and broke it over his knee with his giant man muscles. "Swag is for the weak," he growled. "Now get out of my way or I'll cut your balls off."

Legolas flipped fifteen consecutive times without touching the ground before jumping in between Thranduil and Tauriel. "Wait, no! Who will I bitch about if she is dead?"

"I knew you would come to my rescue!" Tauriel exclaimed, crying tears of emotion.

The blond rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Tauriel!"

-Ravenhill-

Dwalin, Thorin, Fili, and Kili had just reached the top of Ravenhill. They'd ridden on a bunch of giant goats after Thorin accidentally crashed the Erebor-bot into the side of the mountain. They would have arrived sooner but had to stop for a while as the goats stood on 90 degree slopes to lick the salt deposits and satisfy their craving of the mineral.

"WHERE'S THE ALCOHOL?" Dwalin screamed, surprising no one.

"And where's Azog?" Thorin added. "I saw that bastard up here a few minutes ago."

Kili took a poorly-timed selfie. "Me and big bro will go check it out, gurl!" He and Fili left.

"I guess it's just you and me." Thorin turned to Dwalin. The two dwarves shared a long moment of erotic staring, at least until Dwalin smashed a beer bottle over his forehead, literally shattering the sexual tension.

There was also the fact that goblin mercenaries began to swarm the area. Thorin drew his sword.

"Time to die, asshats!"

-Down on the battlefield-

"TIME TO DIE, ASSHATS!" Ori yelled, decapitating several orcs. He leaped over a giant troll, spun his sword in midair, and drove it through the beast's spinal cord. Without pausing, the dwarf did seventy consecutive backflips before landing on a goblin's face and breaking its neck.

Then he woke up from the concussion-induced dream he'd been in after tripping and falling during the initial battle charge. Ori pushed himself up. "TIME TO DIE, ASSH—" A dwarf stepped on his head, pushing him back down.

Meanwhile, Bifur had drank some severely expired milk, causing him to grow twelve extra arms. He had armed himself with fifteen axes (counting the one in his head) and had killed about half of the enemies so far. Bombur had eaten another 25%. Gloin was taking an origami seminar.

-Back on Ravenhill-

Kili and Fili snuck around Ravenhill, humming the Mission Impossible theme. Kili did a forward roll, then immediately paused to fix his hair.

"Dammit! I forgot my curling iron! Imma go get it real quick," the archer ran back the way they came.

Fili shrugged. “Okay! Try not to get stabbed through the chest whilst defending the love of your life, despite your best efforts to survive!”

Back with Thorin and Dwalin, Bilbo had magically appeared after he took his ring off. Neither of the dwarves questioned this because of Peter Jackson.

"We have to get out of here!" Bilbo exclaimed. "Another army is coming from the north!"

"Ha! North, schlorth," Dwalin scoffed. "We can take them."

"But there's four of you, and like hundreds of orcs."

"Ha! Orcs, schlorcs," the bald dwarf scoffed once more. "They bleed easily as any other creature."

"…But they can still stab you in the face."

"Ha! Face, schlace—"

"Bilbo is right," Thorin broke in before Bilbo could disembowel Dwalin's head with his sword. "We'll live to fight another day."

"Bitch I might be!" Azog announced from a platform above them. He was dragging a bloodied and half-conscious Fili by his magnificantelecelrycantelerey i forgot how to spell magnificently braided hair. "This one dies first! Then the other one, and then you, Oakenshield!"

"But how can you be sure it'll go that way?" Thorin asked. "Fili could escape, or I could die before Kili."

Azog rubbed the space in front of his chin where a beard would go if he had one. "That's a good point."

"Mathematically there's six possible combinations in which we could be killed."

"And what constitutes as a death?" Bilbo added. "Is it when the heart stops beating, or when the brain no longer functions? Or are we talking about complete and utter destruction of the soul?"

"Is there such a thing as a soul?" Azog wondered aloud.

Several things happened at once. Thorin took out a bow from…his ass, idk, and shot Azog in the face. Bilbo sneezed. The pale orc dropped Fili, who tripped and fell over the ledge. And Kili finally spotted his curling iron and ran to go get it. Dwalin had long since left to get drunk…er.

Unfortunately for Kili, several orcs tried to stop him as he ran to get his curling iron. He killed them all with his extra curling iron, then stared at it for a solid fifteen minutes. "Huh."

Tauriel ran over to him, holding yet another curling iron. "Everyone needs a backup!"

"Thanks, gurl!"

There was a long moment of heteroerotic staring, then Bolg jumped in as well and ruined the moment.

"I am currently here at this moment in time!" the orc announced, brandishing his war hammer threateningly.

Tauriel and Kili both brandished their curling irons. "Fight me!"

In another part of the area, Legolas was hanging upside down from a giant bat. He reached into his quiver to extract an arrow so he could kill the bat, then realized all of his arrows had fallen out because that's literally how gravity works. The bat was a good seventeen stories into the air at this point, and showed no signs of stopping.

"Oh my god."


	21. It Ended

Chapter 21

Tauriel and Kili were trying to fight off Bolg. It was a little difficult, seeing as the orc was like 9 feet tall and had metal stapled to most of his body.

"I am grabbing you by the face!" Bolg grabbed Kili by the face and raised the pointy end of his war hammer, ready to strike.

"Noooo!" Tauriel tried to stop him, but slipped on all three curling irons at once. Thankfully, Smaug showed up and ate Bolg.

The dragon burped. "That was some good metal."

"Wait, so…you eat metal?"

"No, I just decided to try it because I thought it would be fun," Smaug sassed. "Of course I eat metal!"

Kili and Tauriel stared. "Does that mean you were eating the gold in Erebor?"

"How the hell else would I go a full century without starving?"

Both elf and dwarf were unsure how to feel about that.

-On Some Random Ice Place-

Thorin was fighting some orcs on a frozen-over lake. Read: he kept slipping on the ice and flailing around but since he was holding his sword he accidentally killed several enemies. The rest died of asphyxiation due to laughing.

Finally, all the orcs died. "Well, that was a good time," Thorin casually threw his sword over the side of the waterfall.

"I can't believe you just did that," Smaug commented from where he had been watching the whole thing.

"Eh. What could go wrong?"

Azog chose that moment to appear. He'd chosen a wicked sword extension from his Swiss Army Arm and he had a stone block and chain in his other hand. "Bitch I might be!"

"Are you just going to say that every time you show up?"

"Bitch I might!"

"Please stop."

"Bitch!"

There was a random screaming noise and Orcrist dropped down from the sky, nearly slicing Thorin's nose off. Legolas waved at them from above, where he was still on the bat.

"How did Legolas end up with Orcrist?" Thorin wondered, picking up the sword.

"B!" Azog said.

"Fine. Dance-off, bro. You and me."

Unfortunately for Thorin, 'dance-off, bro' in the Black Speech meant 'your mom was a bitch, I crapped on your father's grave at one point, and your eyebrow game sucks, so fight me'. All that in those three words.

Azog roared in outrage and charged. And slipped. And fell.

Thorin roared as well, but in the laughing sense. "Get ready to die, asshole!" The dwarf charged and slipped as well, falling on his face.

"I'll get you!" Azog flopped around like a Magikarp, his Swiss Army Arm extensions flailing. Thorin was slowly rotating in a circle on his back.

Smaug pissed himself from laughing.

Eventually the two of them had a nice routine going, with Thorin pulling some sick moves and falling on his ass occasionally, and Azog trying to kill Thorin and falling on his ass occasionally. It was a sad sight for the intelligent, but extremely entertaining for the mentally disadvantaged.

"HEY!" Smaug yelled.

Just then, Thorin breakdanced into Azog's leg, causing him to slip and fall. Since the ice was really cracked by this point, the pale orc fell through into the freezing subzero water, disappearing forever.

"HA! I WIN!" Thorin cackled, flexing his muscles. Then he noticed Azog floating peacefully underneath the ice. Well, peaceful except the fact that he had both middle fingers up. "HEY! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!"

Azog stabbed Thorin though the foot and broke through the ice. "Bitch I might be!"

Just then Fili crashed onto the scene, riding one of the wereworms. The behemoth ate Azog, crapped him out, and then ate that. It was extremely horrifying to watch, but in the end they were all glad the Pale Orc was finally dead.

Everyone stood around in awkward silence. "Did we just win?"

-Later-

"The eagles are coming!" Bilbo burst into the room in Dale where Thorin, Gandalf, Bard, Thranduil, Tauriel, Legolas, Beorn, Radagast, Dain, and the rest of the Company were hanging out. Smaug and the two wereworms were also crammed in there somehow. Drake and Lindir watched from afar.

"Oh my god, Bilbo, that happened like two hours ago!" Gandalf sassed. "Where have you been anyway?"

"Well, I was in Canada, then I came back to Dale, then I had to go to Ravenhill to warn Thorin about the other army—"

"What other army?"

Bilbo stared. "You know, the other orc army that was coming from the north."

Legolas burst out laughing. "Oh, those assholes? We blew up Gundabad and killed them all before they could leave. I just said they were coming because I felt like it."

Bilbo lunged. "You blond asshole son of a bitch—"

"Well, I'm leaving," Thranduil announced, getting up. Somehow his legs had turned into spaghetti noodles. "Go get the drunk."

"Irm colok tolehy!" Dain stood up, and accidentally flew out the window.

"My entire city is ruined and most of my homies are dead," Bard sighed. "Why not?"

But before Bard could make an exit, several people in uniforms burst into the room, waving guns. One of them had blenders taped to his hands.

"Middle Earth Police! You're all under arrest!"

"On what charge?" Gandalf demanded.

All the policemen made a huddle and had a long discussion. "Hey, we don't need to justify ourselves, we're police!"

Everyone was rounded up and arrested. After drawing straws, one of the cops went to go arrest Smaug, tears in his eyes. The handcuffs didn't fit, and the dragon quickly ate him. The were worms had tunneled away long ago, and Bilbo had put on his ring and disappeared.

"Well, this is a bit…." Thorin put some shutter shades on. "….unexpected."

"YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

-Seven-ish Months Later-

"Wow, it's so great to be going back home!" Bilbo exclaimed. He was finally on the borders of the Shire, after months of traveling and somehow not dying.

"Same!" Gandalf exclaimed. "I can't wait to get some more of that sickass weed your cousins sell."

The hobbit froze and turned around. "How long have you been following me?"

Gandalf stroked his beard. "The only time we have is the time which time decided to be given to us."

"…Didn't you get arrested?"

The wizard laughed loudly and longly. "Bitch, I'm a wizard! By the way, you never said goodbye to any of the dwarves when you left."

"Yeah, I know. I'm assuming they're not in jail either. I guess it was implied. I sure miss them though!" Bilbo said with a very forced laugh.

"Well, why don't you tell them yourself?"

He turned around…and there they were, all thirteen of them.

"We followed you too!" Dori pointed out unnecessarily.

"WHERE'S THE ALCOHOL?"

Bilbo fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

-Epi(c)logue-

Bilbo and Thorin ended up getting married and had sixteen children named John, George, Paul, Ringo, Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Sam, Groot, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, Aragorn, Boromir, Bill, and Snart.

Fili became best friends with the were worms and taught them how to braid and stuff.

Kili and Tauriel also became best friends and went shopping like every day, gurl!

Dori finally went to school.

Nori went on to live a normal life.

Ori BECAME EVEN MORE AWESOME, YO!

Bifur killed everyone.

Bofur became locked in eternal combat with Balin.

Bombur set up a quiet restaurant in Erebor, then ate everything.

Oin got caught in the middle of Bofur and Balin's eternal combat and sustained multiple injuries.

Gloin became king of Erebor since everyone else was busy.

Dwalin and Thranduil stole every alcohol ever.

Radagast disappeared from the franchise forever.

Saruman became involved (financially, politically, legally, sexually) with Sauron.

Beorn had a child through asexual reproduction and named it Gr1mB30rn.

Bard joined the Middle Earth Police after bailing everyone out with his skillz.

Legolas became involved in a homosexual relationship with someone called Strider.

Dain bacon knegne udner tooth mononelenmely.

Smaug grew hair, moved to London, and became a consulting detective.

Lindir is watching. Look behind you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rt if you looked behind you  
> Thank you all for reading and I hope you enjoyed this work! It was a lot of fun to write. If you enjoy this sort of madness feel free to check out my BBC Sherlock parody on ff.net. It's called "Consulting? More Like INsulting Amirite? Up Top" https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11174473/1/Consulting-More-Like-INsulting-Amirite-Up-Top (no idea if this site will let me put up links so if it doesn't, just look it up)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Welcome to my first fan fiction on AO3! I published this fic on fanfiction.net, and it's completed there, but this version is gonna have extra scenes and more swear words.  
> Also, I feel like a grandma because I have very limited knowledge of how to use this site, so if I'm doing anything wrong or I should add more things in the tags or something, let me know! And feel free to leave...kudos, I think?


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